I cursed at the corn muffins

I'm making corn muffins for dinner. Jiffy corn muffins, to be exact. You don't want to know what I paid for a box of Jiffy, but that's okay because I know I am getting the real deal. I'm making the muffins to go with the Chef's salads we are having, which I selected because Hot.Season.Is.Here. My weather app says it "feels like 101*F". I don't believe them. It's more like 105. But anyway, it's that time of year where the AC takes forever to cool the house down (and can't really keep up even then) even with a fan going. 

The house was hot because I had gone grocery shopping- a task complicated by the taxis and the fact that you can't make a right turn so you have to make a couple lefts and sit in traffic and take the long route to the mall. Because everyone knows the best place for a grocery store is in the mall. But I digress, the house was already warm, and I needed to make my Jiffy corn muffins. And that means I needed the toaster oven, which makes the AC virtually undetectable in the kitchen area. 

So I was already a little bit warm when I had to check the muffins. The toaster only fits one 6 unit muffin tray at a time, and it was having a hard time getting a grip on the tray without gouging out a muffin. Getting things out of my toaster oven is tricky because the heating elements are so close to the food. One small slip and the bit of my hand that is sticking out of the oven mitt is sizzling against the hot rod at the top of the oven. The tray wasn't coming out, so in my infinite wisdom I thought I'd just take the rack out, with the tray in it. It was a good plan until the tray slid off the rack, upside down, in there back of the toaster. This is roughly when I said some unkind words to the corn muffins. And the toaster oven. 

There the muffins lay, under the tray, and directly on top of there lower heating element. Smoke immediately starts pouring out as my precious over priced Jiffy muffins burn and I start feebly attempting to retrieve the whole lot from the hot back of the toaster. It's also at this moment that I start counting, or maybe recounting, the price of life abroad. 50*F and a real oven were sounding quite appealing. I would be remiss, however, if I did not mention that part of the reason I am tired and was out grocery shopping and craving vegetables in the first place was that I just got back from a three night stay at my favorite tropical beach with some friends. 

Many times, I feel pretty spoiled that we get to do things like that, and in some ways, we are incredibly spoiled and blessed. But the beach also helps put the toaster oven in perspective. It helps balance the higher daily levels of stress from the systems we fail to understand (or use properly), the people we miss and foods (like cheese or cereal) that we have to ration. It counteracts the weddings and births and funerals we can't make it to. It balances out the time we spend physically paying all our bills in person and in cash, or the time spent on the logistics of simple tasks like trips to the pharmacy. It doesn't make the overseas life better or worse, it just makes it different, perhaps with better pros and tougher cons. It means that while the jade water and limestone cliffs are stunning, the corn muffins are also burned, and in both cases, life moves on. 

Dwell in the shelter of the Most High: On tantrums and trust

It's been quite a while since I have blogged on here, or at least blogged in the real sense instead of just updates and travel bits.  The last six months have had lots of ups and downs and lots of learning, much of it not over.  Sometimes I feel like my inner life is going through so much that I can't make sense of it to write about it.  How do I make sense of lives all around me seeming to shout, this is not how it is supposed to be? So often I am like a small child, petulant in my temper tantrums, demanding my way and demanding it now.  I always feel like in order to blog I need some great answer to the problems, some great revelation that is going to help all of us draw closer to God.

But the truth is, the last 6 months have not brought any startling revelations.  They've brought tears and moments I am not proud of, plenty of times where essentially I have sprawled on the floor like a writhing screaming toddler, mad at God and wondering how in the world it would all ever end.  Wondering if we will ever see an end to the sting of death, the ravages of sin, the loneliness of a broken world. 

In the midst of it, I don't really want people to help me cope, not even God.  I want Him/them to make the situation right, to make the problem go away, or at the very least, to allow me to quit.  This may come as a bit of a surprise, but I seem to have a knack for quitting.  They say that when the going gets tough, the tough get going, and Clare takes a nap. Perseverance is not my strong suit.  If perseverance produces character, I'll pass on the character bit thanks.

This morning I read Psalm 91, which opens with, "Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty" and goes on to say some pretty awesome things.  It's one of my favorite psalms.  But all day I've been stuck on the first verse.  And particularly on the second word: dwell.  I had coffee this week with a friend who is preparing for the transition back to life in the US and we talked about this word, dwell.  For me, dwelling in Thailand means buying things that won't fit in a suitcase, or plants that give a sense of permanence.  But dwelling in the shelter of the Most High? 

The devotional I read right after the psalm was about trust.  About how we only sort of want to trust God-we trust him for some things (like today or eternity) but not others (like tomorrow and practical things).  I think to an extent we know that trusting him does not mean that we're going to win the tantrum and get what we want.  Trusting him doesn't buy us control over our lives.  But I think dwelling in his shelter and trusting him can look awfully similar.  It's not any great revelation, and I'm not even exactly sure how it looks played out in everyday lives, but it does help me know that that abiding and rest are possible. 

I still want my way, of course, but it helps put into perspective an idea that I read about a few months ago, living for God's Big Kingdom and its purposes instead of our own little kingdoms with all the little things we're trying to control.  Trusting God's purposes for our own lives, but also for the lives of those we love.  So I try to release the fist, so tightly closed around the things I want to control, and I realize just how tired that fist is.  It's exhausting, and so much easier to let go.  I don't think I'm going to be very good at it, but I need to try. I need to work on figuring out how to trust, how to dwell in the shelter of the Most High, because I do know this: there is no safer place for me to be.

A smoke day!

In Michigan we have snow days, ice days, and the occasional day called for extreme cold. I have all that up moving to Bangkok, and yet I find myself in my pajamas at 10am on a random Tuesday morning.  My first year at ICS we missed a few weeks of school due to massive flooding across Thailand. In January we missed a day when massive political protests threatened to cause massive traffic disruptions. Today we are off because a garbage dump nearby is on fire. Yesterday our campus filled with stinky smoke and they are still working to control the blaze. So far this morning the skies are clear and sunny, but there's also a strong breeze and if that dies out, I have a feeling we would be back in smokey land. 

It was good timing for me. I've been under the weather and not sleeping well for a few days and have been in the edge of a sick day for several days now. This saves me the trouble of lesson plans, even if it means rearranging lots of things in the next month (the downside of block schedule is that when you miss a day it changes what day of the week your classes meet and with standardized tests and spring break on the horizon it will mean making some changes to my plans). 

In the meantime, I'm going to make another cup of tea and tackle a paper I need to write for my online grad class and enjoy sitting around the house a while longer. Here's to "snow" days in Bangkok! 

Koh Samet

Koh Samet is a small island that is the closet island destination to Bangkok (three are mainland beaches closer, but you get a different feel on an island), yet I still had never been there before last weekend. Robin and I left right after school on Friday on a journey that was several hours longer than it should have been- a trip we would both love to forget. Once we arrived though, we had a wonderful time. 

We spent Saturday reading and lounging by the beach, swimming in the Gulf of Thailand, exploring nearby beaches, and drinking smoothies and fruit shakes. In the evening we ate seafood on the beach, watched a couple of fire shows, and walked along the shore eating roti, one of my favorite desserts. Sunday morning we had a few more hours to lounge and swim before we headed back to Bangkok in the early afternoon for a much more pleasant trip home. It was a quick weekend, but still a lot of fun. I love seeing Michiganders reactions to the tropical beach- we are always amazed by the water temperature and annoyed at the salt (and slightly frightened of creatures). 

There are often swings hung along the shore here, great fun and cute pictures! 

My view all morning. I could get used to that! 

View at lunch

In the afternoon we explored this beach next to the one we were staying on. I'm always unsurprised how much the tide changes throughout the day!