Joy and sorrow.

Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we are overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at all costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either. Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth. -Henri Nouwen

This quote has really been on my mind lately as life become an even more and more intertwined web of joy and sorrow.  Things are good: teaching is good, apartment is good, friendships are good, church is good, time with God is good.  In short, there is much joy in my life. Joy and laughter and peace and stillness and fun.  And yet at the same time, everything reminds me of something or someone I miss.  In the midst of that joy and stillness and fun, my insecurities surface.  The past two weekends I've been able to skype with good friends in Michigan and Buenos Aires.  Sorrow in joy as I love to connect with them, yet miss my days with them, miss seeing their little ones grow up. Joy in sorrow in the down days lately where dear friends have come along side me, where God has revealed himself in new ways, breaking down my heart in order to fill it with more of himself.  

I am continually amazed at how God is able to weave these two opposites together in my life and in the world around me.  I like how Nouwen says in his last line of this quote that it is joy and sorrow who are our spiritual parents, who teach us and mold us and shape us in ways that are both subtle and obvious.  They cannot be separated, this sorrow and joy, nor do I think, in many ways, I really want them to be. 

Rumbles of Rain

It's monsoon season again, and really, most of the time I love it.  I love watching the sky be slowly overcome by the dark gray and green masses that blow ominously in.  I love the distant rumbles of thunder that grow every closer. I love the sound of the rain pelting my living room windows when the drops fall particularly sideways.  I love the cool breezes that occasionally follow the storm and fill my living room. 

Luckily, the overall amount of rain is lower this year, and widespread flooding is not a major concern (yet).  Localized flooding is definitely occurring, however, and I hear reports from time to time on twitter about certain areas being underwater.  After last year's debacle our school is taking extra precautions regarding potential floods, which is a good thing, though I'm guessing my predictions from last year that we won't get a solitary flood day this year will come to pass.  Around here, we don't pray for massive flooding across Thailand of course, but we certainly don't really pray against some localized stuff directly in front of our school :) 

I'm slowly adapting to this different cycle and rhythm of seasons and nature and am enjoying the warmth very much. Every morning on my 3 minute walk to school I rejoice in the soft warm air against my skin, and marvel at how day after day and month after month I don't need so much as a sweater or jacket or closed-toed shoe.  I need them on occasion as protection from over aggressive air conditioners, but that's a much different situation than the frozen north from which I come. 

A lot of people around here really miss fall.  I suppose I miss that crispness a bit, and some of the scents and flavors that come with it, but it's a fleeting sort of missing.  When it comes to fall I guess I really only miss three things: the afternoon Michigan game from time to time, apple crisp (which I actually had a few weeks ago so I can check that off the list) and the Long Lake weekend.  Instead, I guess I'll have to take the cool breezes when they come and enjoy my cups of tea while the AC is on. 

Painted Apartment

Last week I finally had my apartment painted, and am now really close to having it "done"!  Today I dropped off a few things at the frame shop, including my NYC print, and once I have those up the only remaining task will be linens for the bed in the guest room.  I took a few more pictures today to show you the new colors and new furniture arrangement. I hadn't planned on rearranging, but this sort of came to me as I was putting things back after the painters, and I kind of like it.  I'm really pleased with how everything has turned out and the apartment is the peaceful oasis that I hoped it would be for me.  Can't wait to host visitors! 

New living room arrangement

Still looking for the perfect throw pillows, but otherwise love my little sitting area.

Other end of the living room.

I love the white doors!  The first time I walked into the bathroom with everything white my first thought was that they had replaced the light bulb as well! 

Kitchen and front door. 

The picture makes me feel like I can stand in my kitchen and look out the window at Iguazu Falls.

The purple came out pretty dark, but I like it. I think I want my NYC print on this wall.

Finally got a real nightstand instead of using a chair :)

My Other Sister

My friend, who is Thai, teaches a ballet class after school for elementary students.  I have been helping her the past few weeks because she has a lot of students this semester.  Last week, one girl, a fourth grader, asked her if she and I were sisters.  "Do we look alike?" my friend asked her.  And according to her, yes, yes we do. I'm used to having a tall thin sister, but I don't think I've had an Asian one before :)

My sister-friend and I at the riverfront a few weeks ago.

Great English Translation

I'm not much of a photographer.  When I do remember to bring my camera, I often forget to get it out and take pictures.  When I do take them, they don't always turn out so well.  And so it is that I spent two days at the beach this past weekend on our staff retreat and I came home with exactly one picture.  And I took it in a bathroom stall.  This is it, enjoy it, lovers of great translations everywhere! 

Perfect love drives out fear

I've been thinking a lot about this verse the past few days, that perfect love drives out fear, about how mostly I allow myself to be driven by fear instead.  We fear the unknown. We fear that which we cannot control.  We fear the court of public opinion.

The ICS staff spent Friday and Saturday on retreat at a beach side resort a few hours from Bangkok.  It was a nice opportunity to not only spend time with friends, but to also talk to colleagues whom I normally don't interact with very much.  A common theme was the fear of judgment.  Not real judgment, not the day of judgment when Christ returns to "judge the quick and the dead," but rather the judgment of everyone around us.  If it weren't so sad, it would be rather amusing how many times this came up in conversation in those two days.  The more liberal among us worried about being judged for the ways they choose to live their lives.  The more conservative among us worried about being judged for choosing not to do certain things, for the choices they make in how they choose to live their lives.  Everyone running around fearfully hiding their true selves out of fear of the judgment of others.  And sadly, for fairly good reason.  Because behind most comments about others judging us are our judgments of them for judging us.  We fear their judgments and know they're judging us because, let's face it, we're judging them. Is anyone else as confused by this as I am?

Being overly critical and judgmental is something I have struggled with all of my life but I don't know that I've experienced it as much on a community wide scale before.

I was chatting with a friend recently about how social media like facebook, twitter, pintrest, and blogs make this all the worse. They give us so many more platforms to a) present only our best sides so as not to be judged for our flaws and b) judge everyone else.  Even with this blog, I struggle. How do I speak honestly and truthfully about life here in a way that is neither holier-than-thou or self-condemning or makes people think I'm as lost as perhaps I really am.

Though I would not normally characterize myself as a fearful person, these past few days have brought many of my fears front and center, forcing me to take a closer look at them.  Fears of judgment for my linguistic abilities.  Fear that I will never truly learn Thai.  Fear that I will never quite fit in with this ICS community.  Fear that people (both here and back home) will accept me as I am even though we are so different.  Fear that there is some big thing in life, something everyone else has figured out, kind of like the punchline to an inside joke, that everyone else gets and I just do not get.  Fear that crops up when people ask me how long I plan to stay in Thailand and the answer is I simply don't know. The ever-present enormous fear among singles here that the rather small pool of single Christian men in Bangkok will leave them single. Forever. Fear about my inadequacies as a teacher.  The list goes on. 

And I keep coming back to, keep hearing, perfect love drives out fear. What if I, what if we, let His perfect love drive out our fears, instead of letting our fears drive us?  What if I could fully know the depth and height and greatness of this love to the degree that it would drive out these fears of mine and allow me to live a full life, a transparent and real and honest life that does not hide behind the masks of fear?  May I, may you, may each of us know more and more each day of this love beyond comprehension, this perfect love that drives out fear. 

ไม่เข้าใจ

Learning Thai is many things, but above all, it's hard.  I'll be honest, usually in life, I learn things quickly, if I put my mind to it.  I've rarely been the one sitting there thinking, I'm so lost, I don't get it, I feel so dumb. But today, about an hour and a half into my two hour conversational Thai class I found myself thinking those very things (trying to listen at the very same time).  I felt so stupid, and wanted to just scream, "Mai kao jai!" I don't understand. 

I don't feel that way often, not even with Thai, because usually when I don't understand Thai (which is most of the time it's being spoken) I don't feel like I am supposed to understand it.  But there in my lesson, I am supposed to understand, or at least try to understand.  And when I don't, I end up feeling stupider than ever.  It's easy to a point to just slip into the habit of pretending that I understand, of doing the smile and nod and hoping that my ummhmm responses are appropriate enough without full comprehension.  Thing is, I know the only cure for this problem is more Thai. 

And I do want to learn. I want to understand. I want to speak, fluidly and correctly. I want to read more quickly and accurately. I want to someday feel about Thai how I now feel about Spanish.  I'm not there yet. Not even close. 

Granted, I've only had two lessons since May.  But a lot of it has to do with courage: having the courage to speak Thai when I do have opportunities.  Having the courage to work and strive to concentrate and understand for the entire 120 minutes.  Having the courage to say mai kao jai and hoping to catch more on the repeat, instead of just pretending along. 

It's important I think, for teachers to keep learning, if for no other reason than to remind ourselves how some of our students feel on a daily basis.  Lost. Frustrated.  Dumb. Like giving up.  Tired of having to say, I don't get it.  Today, I wanted to just quit.  But I know that if I stick with it, with this new more challenging teacher, I will learn. I will get it. 

A Song and Dance with Dinner

Went to dinner with some friends after church today. You know, just your normal hot pot place that's on every street in Bangkok.  And there we were, in the middle of hot pot and deep conversation, when a song came on and all the hostesses and waitstaff took their positions and started dancing.  In unison.  Real cheesy like.  As if it were the most normal thing in the world.  Funnily enough, our table of foreigners seemed to be the only one that really noticed.  As everyone else carried on with their meal, we stopped and admired and commented, and of course, snapped a picture. 

Reclaiming Sunday morning

My entire life, Sunday mornings have been for one thing: church.  Last year, I visited nearly a bazillion churches in Bangkok before settling on one in January. However, after a few months, I realized it wasn't a good fit and in May, revisited a couple of others that I thought could work.  There was one that I really liked, but their service was at 2pm on Sunday afternoon, an odd choice, and to me, kind of a drawback.  But after more visits and praying about it over the summer, I have since settled in there and have learned that I LOVE the 2pm start.  And it makes sense.  There isn't a single solitary verse in the Bible that tells us we have to meet in the mornings. 

I am just now discovering the joy of a Sunday morning.  For one thing, since I have Nak Suu on most Saturday mornings, it gives me a chance to sleep in once a week.  I am a morning person and I love getting to enjoy a quiet morning.  Sunday morning is also Saturday evening in the US and Argentina, making it a perfect time for skype.  Watching Tigers games live instead of on delay is another great option that comes on a Sunday morning.  It also means that I can get to the weekend market even on weekends that I have Nak Suu, or that I can be lazy and stay in my pajamas all morning without feeling guilty for missing church or something.  It's also fantastic to have a nice long quiet time on Sunday before heading to church- I find it makes my time there so much more worshipful. 

I love plenty of other things about this church, and I'm glad that I decided on it when the 2pm was a drawback so that I can now experience the perk of reclaiming my Sunday mornings. 

Goosebumps

I got goosebumps today. Real actual outdoor non-AC induced goosebumps.  Up and down my arms. Now, I might have been zipping down the road on the back of a motorbike, but still.  I was quite shocked. And, I've been sleeping with the fan and window instead of AC the past few nights.  And waking up chilled with just my light quilt, so crawling under the comforter.  Now, it did rain all day today so the humidity has shot back through the roof and my hair has exploded to roughly my wingspan, but still, I'll take it.  Wonders never cease.

Darkest Nights: when grief pokes in

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars,
The deeper the grief, the closer is God!”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

Today was a difficult day at ICS. On Monday night, one of our 7th grade girls passed away.  It was sudden and tragic- in a matter of hours she went from having a toothache to feeling tired and weak to her heart stopping (likely due to a blood infection).  She missed all of last year due to illness, but had come back this year healthy and so excited to be back in school. Her older brother, now in 9th grade, was in my Pre-Algebra class last year.  Today we had to inform the students, including her friends, of her death.  And then after school, a group of faculty and staff went to the temple to visit with the family.

Typically, there doesn't seem to be much of a "wake", and the funeral ceremony involves chanting by the monks while the family makes merit (offers them small gifts, I think).  Originally we were going to go to that, but the family wanted to have a special visitation-type time beforehand for the school staff since we are not Buddhist. While obviously difficult, it was also really good to be there with the family, to talk and grieve with them, to pray with and for them.  I was amazed by how much the school meant to them and how grateful they were for our presence and support.  It was interesting to see some of the traditions and customs, every culture deals with death differently, but not exactly the way I wanted to learn about it.

Her passing has definitely made everyone think about the fragility of life, and while facing those deep questions and fears can be hard, it can also be really good.  It reminds us of why we are here, why we do what we do at ICS and in Thailand, and also reminds us to be intentional in how we treat one another and in how we live our lives. 

Please keep this family and the student's friends in your thoughts and prayers.  Death is never easy, less so something so sudden, and less so with someone so young.  There is nothing that can be said to explain it or make it okay.  It is one of those things that just is. But we pray God's peace and comfort over them at this time. We pray that somehow, in  his infinite wisdom he is able to bring good out of tragedy, light from darkness. 

One thing that really surprised me was that many people took pictures- of the flowers, the casket, her photo, and that this was normal, expected almost.  It was strange at first, but then seemed kind of nice- something for people to keep to remember.  This picture was taken by one of my friends. 

Year 2 in Full Swing

Lately, God has been pouring out blessing upon blessing in my life, and lesson upon lesson. I still cannot get over how much better the second year here is going in comparison to the first.

I'm being challenged so much in my teaching- not by the lesson plans or behavior problems or usual things that bog teachers down, but challenged in my actual teaching, challenged in the craft of helping these kids understand not just how to do mathematics, but the whys behind it all.  It's such a joy to not waste so much energy telling little Johnny to sit down and be quiet and so be able to really craft and deliver lessons.

I'm being challenged and stretched in my social life as well.  I've had such good times with a wide range of people and God has been working in my heart through many different conversations.  It helps so much to have that year of history to fall back on- either history with people or just history of understanding how the social subculture in which I live really works.

I'm also being challenged in my words. Somehow, lately, my little tiny feet keep getting put in my big fat mouth, but people have been exceptionally kind and forgiving with me and I am slowing learning to think before I speak.  The entire process has been revealing a lot of my critical and judgmental nature and God has really been working on me, on the inner source of the things I say, and not just on getting a better filter.  He's been challenging me in so many of the areas in which I judge and criticize others so heavily- and teaching me a lot about his grace.

I'm being challenged at church too.  I'm going to a small bilingual church near my house that has an amazing heart for the lost and a Spirit of life that I have never experienced in a church setting before.  The teaching challenges me every week, while at the same time speaks directly to new believers and the questions and difficulties they face.  I'm so excited about being a part of what God is doing in that place.

And today I was reminded not to become complacent in my life here, not to take things for granted.  Thing is, so much here is already so normal to me that I don't even notice it. And while part of that is necessary for transition survival, I also don't ever want to forget the great privilege I have to live in Thailand.  I have so many other thoughts from the past week or two, but they're still all floating around in my head, waiting to fully crystalize.  More soon :)