ไม่เข้าใจ

Learning Thai is many things, but above all, it's hard.  I'll be honest, usually in life, I learn things quickly, if I put my mind to it.  I've rarely been the one sitting there thinking, I'm so lost, I don't get it, I feel so dumb. But today, about an hour and a half into my two hour conversational Thai class I found myself thinking those very things (trying to listen at the very same time).  I felt so stupid, and wanted to just scream, "Mai kao jai!" I don't understand. 

I don't feel that way often, not even with Thai, because usually when I don't understand Thai (which is most of the time it's being spoken) I don't feel like I am supposed to understand it.  But there in my lesson, I am supposed to understand, or at least try to understand.  And when I don't, I end up feeling stupider than ever.  It's easy to a point to just slip into the habit of pretending that I understand, of doing the smile and nod and hoping that my ummhmm responses are appropriate enough without full comprehension.  Thing is, I know the only cure for this problem is more Thai. 

And I do want to learn. I want to understand. I want to speak, fluidly and correctly. I want to read more quickly and accurately. I want to someday feel about Thai how I now feel about Spanish.  I'm not there yet. Not even close. 

Granted, I've only had two lessons since May.  But a lot of it has to do with courage: having the courage to speak Thai when I do have opportunities.  Having the courage to work and strive to concentrate and understand for the entire 120 minutes.  Having the courage to say mai kao jai and hoping to catch more on the repeat, instead of just pretending along. 

It's important I think, for teachers to keep learning, if for no other reason than to remind ourselves how some of our students feel on a daily basis.  Lost. Frustrated.  Dumb. Like giving up.  Tired of having to say, I don't get it.  Today, I wanted to just quit.  But I know that if I stick with it, with this new more challenging teacher, I will learn. I will get it.