Terrified excitement

It's been a busy week for a lot of reasons and I haven't been feeling great and as a result I've slept roughly 22 of the past 48 hours.  And something tells me I'll still go to bed on time tonight.  And while I know for some of you that sounds like absolute heaven (and believe me, to a degree, it is) it's also increibly frustrating for me.  It's the in-your-face reminder of my limits, which in this particular area, are somewhat "closer in" than most peoples.  It's the reminder that I can't quite keep up and can't quite do what "everyone else" does.  And of course, I hate that. [and yes, my thyroid levels and meds are frequently checked and that is not the problem here] 

In the past few weeks my efforts to prepare for my new position in K4 have stepped up quite a bit. I'm spending time every week observing the K4 and K5 classrooms, making lists of what I need and then trying to figure out where and how to get it all, going through storage to sort through the items from the last time the school had two K4 classrooms.  Thinking and and scheming and dreaming and planning for my classroom next year is taking a greater role in my life and it is soooo fun and exciting and terrifying all at once.  

It's scary to leave something that you know you're good at to challenge yourself with something that you think you could be equally as good at, but that is also quite new and the experience you do have is some years ago.  But mostly what terrifies me is not whether or not I'll enjoy it (I've worked enough with the age group to know that I will) nor whether or not I'll hold my own to do a decent job (I have mentors and examples past and present who have taught me so much). No, what terrifies me is that it will absolutely suck the life out of me and leave me dead on the floor.  

I know that in the first weeks and months I am going to have to be kind to myself and not expect too much out of myself outside of the work day.  I know that I am going to have to learn how to better control my intensity and energy output during the day instead of getting so into it that I'm spent by lunch time.  I know that there will always be days when I practically crawl home- that even happens now.  But my prayer is that I will be able to manage and pace myself and seek moments of solitude at lunch and otherwise care for my introverted self in ways that do not cost me my entire social life and routine.  Weekends like this make me nervous because they remind me that it doesn't take much to completely wipe me out and send me into hibernation mode, but in the same breath I am so filled with hope and joy and plans for next year that I am determined to make it work.  One day at a time.