Words, palabras, kam

I love words. I think maybe on some level, I have always known this, but it has certainly become more apparent to me in recent days. I love language. I love reading and writing and speaking and listening. I love Spanish and the mystery of translation and communication. I love learning Thai and being able to utter even the most basic sentences. I love how words carry so much meaning, how they paint pictures, how they connect people, how they heal.

I've been reading through many of my favorite books in recent months, books that never make the trip overseas with me. My latest book is The Dance of Life by one of my all-time favorite authors, Henri Nouwen. I was introduced to Nouwen in college and was immediately struck by his depth of writing. The Dance of Life is a collection of many of his writings and my copy is entirely dog-earred, underlined, and starred- though one passage struck me this week as especially applicable for where I am today. I've written before of the inner struggle between joy and sadness, about leaving Argentina, about being here, about going to Thailand. Here, Nouwen writes about such complex emotions:

Our life is a short time in expectation, a time in which sadness and joy kiss each other at every moment. There is a quality of sadness that pervades all the moments of our life. It seems that there is no such thing as clear-cut pure joy but that, even in the most happy moments of our existence, we sense a twinge of sadness. In every satisfaction, there is an awareness of its limitations. In every success, there is the fear of jealousy. Behind every smile, there is a tear. In every embrace, there is loneliness. In every friendship, distance. And in all forms of light, there is knowledge of surrounding darkness.

Joy and sadness are as close to each other as the splendid colored leaves of a New England fall to the soberness of the barren trees. When you touch the hand of a returning friend, you already know that he will have to leave you again. When you are moved by the quiet vastness of a sun-covered ocean, you miss the friend who cannot see the same. Joy and sadness are born at the same time, both arising from such deep places in your heart that you can't find words to capture your complex emotions.

Here I am, send me!

I find myself in such a conflict of emotions these days, part of me is still so attached to my nearest and dearest in Buenos Aires, part of me is so enjoying these days with family and friends here in Michigan, and part of me is quite ready to take on the challenge of Bangkok. In the past week, as I have made my decision known, I have found myself frequently answering the questions of why I am leaving again, and why Bangkok. And I think in response to that I find myself only expressing the positive emotions associated with going. It would be easy to think that I have no fear or sadness as I prepare for this change. In many ways, I think I feel the need to defend my choice, and to express these doubts or fears would somehow say that perhaps I shouldn't go. To me, the fear and sadness are not reasons to stay, they are simply part of going.

I see God's hand so clearly, months before I even get to Thailand. It was quicker and easier than I ever expected to find someone to teach/tutor me in Thai before I go. My first craigslist post was up for less than an hour before I got a response, and when that person didn't work out, my second post was up less than 24 hours. I start class on Tuesday and am amazed at how God has provided that so conveniently.

But I see it even more so in my own heart. In a country where less than 1% of the population knows Jesus, the need and the harvest is plentiful. When God asks "Whom can I send? Who will go for us?" I enthusiastically cry out, "Here I am! Send me!". I am blessed to like living in and exploring other cultures and languages, despite the obvious drawbacks and challenges. I haven't always been that way, it is an interest that God has developed in me, no doubt in preparation for this work. My prayer is not that God would make me happy, but that he would be glorified in me, that I would be fully satisfied in him, and the two are intrinsically linked. As Bryan Chappell writes in his book Praying Backwards: Transform Your Prayer Life by Beginning In Jesus' Name, "We are never more satisfied than when we are content with his plan for our lives...In short, when we have no greater desire for Jesus to be glorified in us, he grants us the desires of our heart."

And the winner is...

I love it when you have a big decision to make that isn't really a decision at all in the end- the answer is just clear, obvious even. That is how it was for me this week as I accepted a job at the International Community School in Bangkok, Thailand for next year. In the end I had 3 schools to choose from and by the time I had heard back from all three a clear ranking had developed. I wasn't agonizing over where I was going to go- I knew exactly what to say when they asked me if I wanted the job. ICS is a K-12 Christian school with a student body of about 850. I'll be teaching MS math- 6th grade and Pre-Algebra, to be exact. And, I also get to teach an Intro to Spanish class:) In HS the students have to decide whether to take Spanish, French, or Chinese (in addition to the Thai they take every year) so the school wants to start giving them a taste for each language in MS to help them decide what they want to take later on. I am very excited to be able to use my Spanish in some way!

There isn't a whole lot else to tell right now- I'll be leaving sometime in mid-late July and make an initial commitment of 2 years. I'm hoping to find a way to start learning some basic Thai before I go, right now I don't even know how to say hello! Bangkok will be a challenge and a change , but one I am looking forward to. It's never easy to leave home, to say good-bye to family and friends here, to be so much farther away (esp in time zones) than friends in Argentina, but I feel confident that this is where God is calling me right now. He has been so faithful in this whole process. I've grown closer to him through each twist and turn in the journey to this point, and will certainly continue to do so on the journey ahead.