Here I am, send me!

I find myself in such a conflict of emotions these days, part of me is still so attached to my nearest and dearest in Buenos Aires, part of me is so enjoying these days with family and friends here in Michigan, and part of me is quite ready to take on the challenge of Bangkok. In the past week, as I have made my decision known, I have found myself frequently answering the questions of why I am leaving again, and why Bangkok. And I think in response to that I find myself only expressing the positive emotions associated with going. It would be easy to think that I have no fear or sadness as I prepare for this change. In many ways, I think I feel the need to defend my choice, and to express these doubts or fears would somehow say that perhaps I shouldn't go. To me, the fear and sadness are not reasons to stay, they are simply part of going.

I see God's hand so clearly, months before I even get to Thailand. It was quicker and easier than I ever expected to find someone to teach/tutor me in Thai before I go. My first craigslist post was up for less than an hour before I got a response, and when that person didn't work out, my second post was up less than 24 hours. I start class on Tuesday and am amazed at how God has provided that so conveniently.

But I see it even more so in my own heart. In a country where less than 1% of the population knows Jesus, the need and the harvest is plentiful. When God asks "Whom can I send? Who will go for us?" I enthusiastically cry out, "Here I am! Send me!". I am blessed to like living in and exploring other cultures and languages, despite the obvious drawbacks and challenges. I haven't always been that way, it is an interest that God has developed in me, no doubt in preparation for this work. My prayer is not that God would make me happy, but that he would be glorified in me, that I would be fully satisfied in him, and the two are intrinsically linked. As Bryan Chappell writes in his book Praying Backwards: Transform Your Prayer Life by Beginning In Jesus' Name, "We are never more satisfied than when we are content with his plan for our lives...In short, when we have no greater desire for Jesus to be glorified in us, he grants us the desires of our heart."