Fear and faith when you're far away

I distinctly remember the first time I heard about teaching overseas. Back in a time when I was fairly miserable in my job and looking to leave education for library science, someone suggested that I think about teaching overseas instead. Her brother was teaching in Korea and loved it. I dismissed the idea immediately because my 6 months in Scotland during college had been long enough  to teach me that moving overseas had only two possible endings, and I didn't like either one. 

Option 1 was that at some point, whenever that was, you'd have to leave whatever country you had moved to. Even then I knew how gut wrenching that would be and I didn't want to go through it. Option 2 was to stay forever and not come back, which sounded as horrible then as it does now, and feels totally out of the question for me. Either way, once you move overseas you spend the rest of your life being cut off and far away from people and places that are a huge part of your heart. 

Pretty much everyone experiences fear when they move to a new country, but I've realized lately that the fear I felt when I left for Argentina and then when I moved to Thailand was a different fear than what you would expect. I was never afraid of liking it or doing well or even of being far from home. No, I was afraid of loving it too much, of never being able to tear myself away to come back, and yet not being able to stay forever. 

In some ways my worst fears have come true. I loved Argentina, came into my own there, and to this day grieve my departure. I love my life and job in Bangkok and don't know when I will come back, even as I miss people here with everything in me. And there are new fears too, that a friend recently articulated on Facebook, fears that when I visit the States (or when I visited Argentina) I might love it too much, might enjoy my time too much, and might not be able to go back. How contradictory to fear loving each place too much. 

So how does one handle it? How do you live fully present in your day to day life knowing that you are missing the changing of the seasons, the annual family weekend up north, the nephew's snuggles and laughs, the milestones in friends' lives? How do you be fully there when you visit, knowing you don't quite fit anymore, that shopping and dinners and travels aren't real life and that real life- in all its glory and mess- is coming back? You do it knowing that in each individual moment and day, you are right where you are supposed to be, where God has you to be. When I lay Elliot down for his nap, missing my life and routine and normalcy, I know that all those things can wait for me while I snuggle him to sleep. When I walk through an ordinary Bangkok weekend knowing that my family is gathering back home at my cousin's wedding, I know that my classroom was just where I was meant to be that week. Yes, there are days where the contrast is stronger or cuts more deeply, but even still we learn to walk in the hurt knowing that the deeper we love the more pain it will bring, and having the courage not to be afraid in the face of it, the courage to go anyway, knowing that your God goes with you and that life will never be the same. 

Summertime!

I had every intention of writing a 'start of summer post', but as I am now just past the half way point, it has turned into a mid-summer post. 

The last 3 1/2 weeks have been filled with family and dear friends, and a good bit of jogging and relaxing as well. I spent the first few days in SE Michigan and was able to see a large number of family members at various events, including a 90th birthday party for my Grandpa. I then went to Grand Rapids for a "long weekend" ie 6 days, to hang out with Meg, Andrew, and Elliot. E and I were reacquainted after many months apart and I loved hanging out with him and seeing how much he has grown and developed. It's way better in person than via FaceTime! Then he and I had a day together when he played hooky from baby school, and even a bonus day together when he got sick and stayed home. The smiles, playing, cuddles, and laughs were the best. I also had the chance to see some friends from college and some of my GR family before heading back. Father's Day weekend brought more family events and then last weekend I was able to go to New York for 4-5 days. I adore NYC (plays, parks, museums, and restaurants, oh my!) and spending time with my brother, and we even made a one night trip up to Storm King Art Park. 

The mostly quiet days have been a nice reprieve from the non-stop pace of a school year, and I've filled them well with runs in the park, lots of shopping, and a few mini TV binges. In some ways it's quite a gift that I get to pick up and leave my life for 6 weeks, to fully disconnect from its rhythms, and allow myself to not think about it for long stretches. At the same time, it's hard to just drop back into this world for awhile, a place where no one really gets my life or has a clue what life is like, where it can be difficult to talk about experiences, people, or even little daily life things that are so deeply ingrained in me. Having zero connections, zero common people between the two worlds makes it a little surreal or lonely at times. 

Plans for the second half of summer include a few days up north, dinners with Mike and Sara, more time in GR, a concert, family gatherings, and more time with my Ann Arbor area friends. Hopefully it also includes more of these cool, breezy, sunny days, perfect for long runs in the park, even in the late morning. To be able to sleep in, be lazy, and still go for a run? What a gift! 

It's the end of the year, and we know it.

14.5: the number of sleeps until I leave for the States

9: the number of 5:00am alarm clocks left to set

8.5: the number of days of school remaining 

Several people have asked me lately how I am feeling about the end of this school year and the best answer I can come up with is conflicted. I am excited for vacation, excited to not write lesson plans, excited to not hear my name ten bazillion times a day, excited for the break from routine, excited beyond measure to squeeze my little nephew, excited for time with friends and family in the States. But I am also sad for the end of this year- it's been a good one. I'm sad to send these precious little ones off to K5 (though happy and proud that they are all ready), sad to not be the one they come to with their stories, owies, observations, questions, and tears. I'll miss their humor and the daily adventures of Miss Clare Snowman in the books and stories they write. I'll miss them. 

Am I ready for a new class? Well, yes and no. Yes in the sense that there is always an aura of excitement and anticipation in a new school year. But no in the sense that after 10 months I have really figured out this group, gotten to know this group, and let's be honest- trained this group. My class today is roughly 60% five year olds. They know the routine and procedures and have finally learned what "the look" means. I know I will love the new group, and that they too will become delightful and well trained 4 to 5 year olds, but it will take some time to get there, as it always does. So though I am excited to watch a new group learn and grow, I'm also sad to watch this one go. 

For two more weeks I don't have to think or worry about next year, nor do I want to. I want every ounce of whatever energy I have left to go into loving these 13 well, teaching them well, and saying good-bye well. The end of the year is upon us, and I feel fine :) 

Spring break musings on Singapore, Songkran, and Elliot

I was fortunate to get to start my spring break with a weekend at my Asian home-away-from-home in Singapore. Days with my Singaporean family are always a blessing, and particularly so on this trip. There is no where else outside the States that I can go and be with people who love me and have known me since I was a little girl- and even have a room in their house that is 'Clare's room'. And while the history gives a sense of rootedness, it is the friendships that have blossomed in the past years of visiting that keep me coming back again and again. So while I love the adventures and pampering and food (oh the food!), it is the people and sense of wholeness and belonging and being loved that I love the most. 

National Orchid Garden at the Singapore Botanical Gardens 

I've returned to Bangkok for the days of Songkran, Thai New Year, which I know I have blogged about before. To be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of the 3 day country wide water fight. Sure, it's great if you are out playing Songkran, but spending my days holed up inside or going out and risking having water sprayed, squirted, or dumped all over you is not exactly fun. Last Friday, before break, we played Songkran with the K4 kids and it was the most fun I've ever had playing Songkran, and probably my favorite event of K4 thus far. The water from the hoses was warm and gentle, I was dressed for and prepared to get soaked, and the pint sized splashers were just the right level of intensity for me. The kids LOVED pouring water all over their teachers and we were happy to return the favor. Yesterday, for the first official day of Songkran, I joined friends at a nearby water park, my first water park trip in Thailand. It was a great way to spend a crazy hot day and a fun way to play in the water. Today I'll get a ride over to my friends' house for a BBQ instead of riding my bike, since I'd have to go down lots of back roads where kids and drunken adults lie in wait with their squirt guns and buckets of ice water. Dodging Songkran is doable if you plan and prepare for it, which I am finally learning to do properly. And maybe this year I am learning to love it just a little tiny bit. 

Playing Songkran with our kiddos at school. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about my beloved nephew Elliot. Do you see him in this picture, taken just a few days after I first started loving him? 

My sister was just a few months along and had recently told us she was expecting. And before I met him, before I knew his name or his gender, before he could do any little thing that could bring me joy, I loved him and he brought us joy. I'm sure that seems like a big giant "duh" to anyone who is a parent, and it's not exactly a revolutionary thought, but when I've thought or talked lately about God's love for us, my mind goes to Elliot. Long before he could do anything, before he could contribute or give anything, before he could even make us laugh, we loved him. We loved him just for being, and for being ours. Connected. More obvious perhaps for my sister, brother-in-law, and parents, but connected to me too. My sister and I are deeply genetically and otherwise connected (and we even have practically identical faces) and Elliot carries a piece of her in him, so he kind of carries a piece of me too. He's the first little person of our next generation, and that has affected me more than I anticipated. Even now at nearly 14 months, he can "contribute" little, yet we delight in him. We delight in each of his new tricks, in each new skill, and in his simple being. We delight in his walking, but we'd love him just as much if he weren't yet walking. We delight in his big bald head, but we'd love him just as much if it were buried in hair. And I'm just his aunt, not even his mother. Not even his God, who created him and formed him and laid plans and purposes for him. That's been ruminating this week as I read about our Father God who made us and loves us. 

Big boy walking 

Brain development in young children

*Disclaimer*: This post is not a comment on your parenting. It is not pro-working mom or pro-SAHM. It's not an advocate for any one methodology nor for teaching your two year old to read or worrying if your four year old isn't doing so. It's a summary of important and at times surprising information that I feel compelled to share because of the huge impact it can have on the lives of our most important people. 

I am in the final days of a grad class titled "Excelling in the Early Childhood Classroom". My usual style with classes, from HS to my Master's degree, has been to at best skim the readings to find the specific information to answer the questions or write the essays. But this class was different. I read our course textbook from cover to cover. "Developing Young Minds: From Conception to Kindergarten" by Rebecca Shore was a great read, and if you're interested in the research and science behind all of this, I recommend getting a copy, or borrowing mine if you are local. The first eight chapters focused on the science and research, while the last two gave incredibly practical bullet point tips and advice for implementing it in either a classroom setting or at home. 

To be honest, I walked away from most of the reading feeling pretty disheartened and discouraged. The vast majority of our neural network is built in the first three years, and I teach four and five year olds. As the struggles of our K-12 educational system (in the US) illustrate, if we wait until Kindergarten, it's too late. The author gave two illustrations of this that really stuck with me, and hopefully will encourage us to take seriously the congnitive development of babies and toddlers. Her first example was that of a train. Consider the K-12 education system to be a train, and a child's brain to be the tracks, or infrastructure. You can buy the world's most technologically advanced and expensive train and bring it to the US, where we have embarrassingly poor rail infrastructure, or bring it a country such as Japan, which has a highly advanced rail network. The train (or K-12 school) will be practically useless in the States. We don't have enough tracks, nor the right kind of tracks, to make use of that train. Currently, we blame the train and it's conductors. But that same train can function very well in a place where there is a large rail infrastructure which includes the recent technology needed for the train to perform at its best. While many Kindergarten classrooms are full of "Japans" or "Europes" many are also full of "Thailands" or United States" (referring here to rail systems only, not educational systems). At times the lack of infrastructure is due to risk factors such as poverty, but not always. And even if it is, why aren't we addressing it? Why do early childhood classrooms often have teachers with lower levels of education than K-12 teachers who earn less money than other teachers if their job is as important if not more so? Why aren't we getting more and better information into the hands of caregivers (in homes or at facilities) from the very beginning? 

Her second illustration was brief but powerful. When we don't develop children's brains from the beginning, it's a bit like building a skyscraper, and then when you're done, asking K-12 education to install the plumbing. Good luck with that. 

So, how do we install that plumbing from the beginning?  The first step is awareness. Most people know that babies need certain things in order to grow and develop socially and emotionally. But it's not doing them justice if we say "as long as they are well loved they will be okay". Many things have to happen in those early years, things revolving around language, nutrition, music, logic, the five senses, and complexity. This isn't about teaching a child to play the piano at age two, it's about exposing them to music, specifically complex music (specifically Mozart and Bach) and then if possible even teaching music theory (specifically with the Kodaly Method). It's not about teaching your toddler to read, but about talking to them using complex vocabulary and structure, reading to them, talking to them some more, and then when they are developmentally ready, teaching them letter sounds (NOT letter names! Those can come later. It's much more important that they know that M says mmmmmm [not muh] than to know it is called Em, which starts with a short E sound) or to recognize environmental print. And, I say this because it's part of the research, not because I am judging anyone, but one of the big problems or issues is TV and screen time. In 1999 the American Adacemy of Pediatrics made a recommendation for the number of minutes (daily) that a child should have TV or screen time under the age of two. How many minutes? 0. And no, it's not only because of an obesity issue, it's because of what goes on in the brain of a young child when they are watching TV vs. when they are not. This includes educational programming. And yes, there are some "you need to sit here quietly so that mommy can do X, y, or z" alternatives given in the book, but I don't actually think anyone besides the Amish achieves that lofty goal. 

I could go on, but I'm sure you have gotten the point that preparation for school begins in the womb (reading, singing, nutrition, etc.) and not on the first day of Kindergarten or even Pre-K. All of these things can happen in a loving and knowledgable daycare setting, or they can happen in a loving and knowledgable home, or a mixture of the two. They can happen if mom says home with the kids or dad does, if Grandma is the primary caregiver or the child spends most of their day in a daycare/preschool setting. All of those options have the opportunity to develop the child's brain, or not. But we have to know what to look for in quality care for our youngest children, or what to do and provide if we care for them at home. 

The final chapter of my textbook is 15-16 pages of practical specific ideas for things to do at home with a child of 0-60 months, with at least half of it focusing on 0-12 months. If anyone wants copies of any or all of those pages, in lieu of reading the entire book, let me know and I am happy to get them to you. 

I wish I could change the world, the way early education is structured and funded, or the way information is or is not given to new and prospective parents, but I can't. Most people I know do a brilliant job with their kids, in part due to their own education level and access to information and resources. But sadly, it's not all kids. Things like No Child Left Behind fail in large part because many kids were left behind in the five most critical years before they even got to school, and that, I wish I could change. 

Growing strong muscles: the 100th day

Today was the 100th day of school. This was not a thing when I was a kid, but it's become quite the hoopla in younger grades and ICS is no exception. We spent our morning celebrating the 100th day with the other K4, K5, and 1st grade classes. The students rotated between classrooms doing different activities centered around the number 100. In one class they attempted to do 100 exercises. We did not do 100 exercises in my class because I don't have the energy to do that six times (with six classes!). I can't believe that I've already been with these kiddos for 100 days. Watching them learn and grow is a joy and delight. They have their challenging moments, but mostly they are a lot of fun to work with. Each day before lunch the class helper gets to choose whether they want to pray for lunch or they want me to do it. Today's helper (who 100 school days ago didn't know anything about God) chose to pray and this is what they said: Dear God, thank you for the 100th day. It was so much fun. Thank you for exercises to make our muscles healthy and strong. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Although I had a good chuckle from the exercises part, it also got me thinking. I'm not really a big fan of exercising, and I'm definitely not always a big fan of doing things that I know are good for me. Sometimes I don't want to run the miles that will keep me physically healthy. Sometimes I don't want to make the hard decisions that keep me mentally or emotionally healthy. But today that little four year old reminded me that if I don't, I hold myself back from growing stronger and healthier, physically, mentally, emotionally. I have to keep exercising those muscles if I want them to grow, and to thank God for the opportunities he gives me to exercise them. 

Record lows

It's no secret that I am no fan of cold, but the past few days have been epically cold in Bangkok and I am loving it. There is actually a large cold snap moving across Asia, so it's not just us. Record lows are being experienced from Japan and China all the way down to our little corner of the world. There has even been snow in Laos and northern Vietnam. Sadly, the cold has caused quite a few deaths in Taiwan, where the temperature dropped suddenly and many circulatory systems weren't prepared for it. 

How cold has it been exactly? When I woke up this morning it was 61F. That's pretty great considering we get excited if it drops below 80! With all the windows open it was cold in my apartment this morning and I reluctantly dragged myself out from under the warm blankets. I usually lounge around in the evenings in shorts and a tank top (with the AC) but yesterday I got to cozy up in socks and flannel pajama pants. I'm sure it sounds a little crazy to the Michiganders and other northerners, but when you're not used to it or prepared for it, 61 is quite cold. Everyone here is bundled up in sweatshirts and jackets and scarves, which is really fun to see. In the mornings instead of drinking my tea in front of a fan to stay cool I sipped it from under a quilt the last two days. It's been glorious. 

You know you've lived in Bangkok too long when you get downright giddy over a cold snap like this, but low 60s to us is like a blizzard in the US: it's all anyone talks about. The low should be down around 64 again tonight, but the highs tomorrow are expected to reach 88 and then we'll be back to a usual "cooler" temp of mid to high 70s at night and approaching 90 during the day. And that's okay. I love the heat and am happy that I get to live in a place where days like today are exciting. I want to soak up every minute of it, even as my neck muscles are cramping up from being tense in the cold. 

Now, if only I had a fireplace...

Nothing in life is free, except my pressure cooker

It's pretty normal when I travel to the States, especially at Christmas, to bring things back for people. I have a general policy though that I don't go out and hunt down and buy the stuff myself, but have them ship it to me. On this particular trip I knew I'd have excess luggage allowance and agreed to bring back much more than usual. Since my mom was moving in the middle of the Christmas shipping season, I had everything sent to my sister-in-law. She dutifully piled everything up in a corner of the house. A week before I flew back she sent me a picture of the pile of boxes, wondering how it was ever going to fit in my luggage. She couldn't believe that they'd even ordered a pressure cooker. I said as much to my friends, but both of them told me that they hadn't ordered a pressure cooker! To this day we have no idea where the pressure cooker came from or who ordered it, but I did manage to fit it into my suitcase, so now it is mine :). It's a small one, perfect for me really, so now I just need to find some recipes to make in it! 

Happy New Year 2016!

One of my favorite daily reads is Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest". I've been reading the same wrinkled, mashed up, worn out copy for nearly 10 years. Or maybe more than 20 years. I mark and underline as things jump out to me, and will often jot down a date or situation that it applies to. The earlies dates I have recorded are March 2006, but it's possible it took me awhile to start dating things. Anyway. There are a few classic quotes that I try to catch every year and one of them is from December 31. Chambers writes, As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in the haste of impetuous, remembering delight, nor with the flight of impulsiveness, but with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. 

I needed that reminder today, as I need it so many days. My future perhaps looks more unknown on the outside than most, but the truth is none of us knows what tomorrow brings. I am certain of very little in life, but I am certain of God. I am certain that he goes before me. And that brings all the peace I need to step into tomorrow, even when tomorrow is a new year. I know that the Almighty God goes with me, behind and before. So no, I don't know a great many things, but I know enough. This year, may I not be hasty or impulsive (oh so hard for me!) but rather may I be patient and trusting, in my head and my heart right down to the marrow of my bones. 

Happy New Year, dear blog readers, from cold and snowy Bellaire Michigan. May you too know that the God of Israel goes before you and prepares a place for you. 

Lots of love,

Clare 

On figure skating, even if it's not Olympics

I don't usually blog about figure skating unless it is about the Olympics, but I've been enjoying this season so much (thanks in large part to my friend Ann who shares her subscription with me) that I thought a blog post might enoucrage a few casual fans to tune in to the big events in 2016. I have to confess, I was skeptical of the decision to allow lyrics and no one used them in such a way last year that changed my mind. It seems though, that in the second year of lyrics skaters and coaches are bolder in their use and this year I am really enjoying them, especially in my two favorite programs. 

Two must watch programs: 

1. Short dance of Madison Hubbell and Zach Donohue. These two have been climbing the ranks this year and I'm sure this program has a lot to do with that. Always emotional skaters, this mesmerizing program highlights all their strengths and draws you in like never before. 

2. Short program of Alexa Scimeca and Chris Knierim. Wow, this program presents a side of them that we've never seen before and actually makes me want to watch pairs skating again! The music, costumes, and choreography are a perfect fit, and like Hubbell and Donohue, I think it is part of their success this season. 

Two skaters/teams to watch:

1. Megan Duhamel and Eric Radford. They just get better and better every year, and Grand Prix Final aside, they are the ones to beat every time they step on the ice. They have rejuvenated the pairs event and are just plain wow. 

2. Satoko Miyahara. She's tiny, but she's incredible. The only woman with a real shot of topping the Russians at worlds. There are a few (like Mao Asada) who have a shot if they skate perfectly, but they've all been inconsistent this season. Miyahara is a consistent joy to watch. 

One performance to watch:

1. Yuzuru Hanyu's short program at the Grand Prix Final. If figure skating still gave out perfect scores, he would have earned one. He had to settle for a new record score. A quad, quad-triple, and triple axel, all made to look as easy as singles. He floated over the ice. Is he human? 

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee O Israel: advent reflections on another mass shooting

I am a bit of a news junkie. I have two news sources/sites that I check nearly daily, and another two that I read about once a week. World news, national news, local news- I cover it all. My phone often gives me breaking news banners from several of those sites, so the headlines are often one of the first things I see in the morning. This week I felt so frustrated, discouraged, and angry when I woke up to yet another US shooting in the headlines. They're becoming so common that we can't keep track, that we are no longer shocked, and we are growing numb.

This past week was also the start of the advent season, my favorite time of year. Every morning I sing and listen to one of my all time favorite songs, O Come, O Come, Emmanuel. It is a song of crying out, but also a song of hope. I won't pretend to have any idea where to start with the gun problem in the United States- and it is a problem that we cannot continue to ignore. When I look at it, it feels irreversible and overwhelming. I want to give up. I want to raise a fist in anger at the lack of mental health care or at policies that freed terrorism. But then I sing:

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee O Israel! 

Rejoice. Rejoice not because all is well in the world, not because the news headlines are cheerful, not because we know that the road ahead is easy. Rejoice because Emmanuel. God with us. Rejoice because the beginning of the story is Jesus and the end of the story is Jesus. Rejoice because our God is real, he is alive, and he is with us. 

The shootings are tragic. The terrorism is tragic. The wars and ongoing conflicts are tragic. They are heartbreaking and angering and just plain sad. There is not a continent or nation, a color or people, who are not affected. The world is unjust; it spews violence and hatred. There are no words to make that go away. But in the midst of it we cling to God With Us. In the midst of it we rejoice because there is One who has come and paid our ransom while we are yet in mourning. In the midst of it we have hope because the Son of God came first as a baby, then grew and gave his life for us. In the midst of it we sing because we know he will come again. 

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

and ransom captive Israel,

that mourns in lonely exile here

until the Son of God appear. 

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel 

shall come to thee O Israel!

A Real Overseas Thanksgiving

I have to confess, I have not always been a big fan of overseas Thanksgiving. I may have even referred to it as Fake Thanksgiving a time or too. It's not that the things I did weren't fun, they just never constituted Thanksgiving to me. Twice in Argentina and once here I was able to go to the beach for Thanksgiving, which was great, but it sure didn't feel like Thanksgiving. Sometimes I have had traditional turkey dinners, while other years I have eaten fish at the beach or simply avoided the whole thing. 

That began to change for me a little bit two years ago when I gathered with some good friends and had my first "homestyle" Thanksgiving dinner in Thailand. It wasn't the same as a Thanksgiving on Hidden Trail, but it was a pretty good substitute and I walked away feeling like I'd had an enjoyable day. Did we eat at the proper time? Have the exact right side dishes? Sit around for hours with apps and wine before dinner? Walk the golf course before pie? Was my mother's mincemeat pie there for me to make fun of? No. But for the first time I was able to get over all of that and have fun. 

Now, I know, and have always known, that Thanksgiving isn't about those details, even for a detail person such as myself. But it took time for the day to feel Real without those traditions. It may sound slightly ridiculous that it took so many years, but as my lovely sister-in-law ever so kindly pointed out recently, my family might have slight tradition overload. Hey, I got my routines and regimin from somewhere!  

Last year, and again this year, I find myself actually really looking forward to Thanksgiving. I am excited to make the things I am bringing and even more excited to put the whole thing together with friends tomorrow. It's fun to feel like I can participate in both the meaning of Thanksgiving and give thanks and praise to God for all he has blessed me with, and also enjoy the feeling and nostalgia of the day. Happy Thanksgiving! 

New seasons

November is the month when the seasons change in Thailand, from rainy season to A Bit Less Hot season.  This week we've had several breezy days where the heat does grip in quite the same way and the AC might not be required every minute, and it's been great. I do love rainy season, with it's rolling black clouds and rush of wind as the storms blow in, but cool season is definitely my favorite. Everyone's favorite, I would imagine.

Lately, as the season shifts and the school year rolls on, I have been feeling so incredibly blessed. God has been incredibly good to me this semester, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. The abundance of his goodness and grace is often overwhelming and I find myself lost for words beyond Thank You. And believe me, I am not often at a loss for words!  

Even in the midst of abundance and blessing, life still holds great uncertainty and unknowns, but I know the One who goes before me and I trust that whichever way the road turns, I am going to be okay. After a long hiatus from running, I've finally gotten back into it a bit the past few weeks, and I love the opportunity that it gives me to think. I allows my thoughts to flop around in my brain in way that they can't when I am doing other activities. As they have done so, I have found that even in the bits of life that are unsure or sad or maddening or frustrating, I also have great peace and joy. 

So as cool season ushers in new life to Bangkok, the way the first winds of spring do in Michigan, I also feel ushered into a season of peace and contentment and trust, even in the great unknowns. 

Intertwined: joy and sorrow

I have written before about the intersection of sorrow and joy; this isn't new to me. But a picture says a thousand words, so here is my picture of sorrow in the midst of joy and joy in the midst of sorrow.

This is me, hanging out with the love of my life, my nephew Elliot James. To sit on the deck behind my Grampa's house on a perfect October afternoon and laugh and giggle with Elliot was such a joyous gift. But we gathered there that afternoon to celebrate my Grampa's life, after a long and tearful day at his funeral and burial. It was with a very heavy heart that I traveled to Michigan in early October, compelled by my love for this great man, and by his love for me. 

Even as I'd sat in the church that morning, filled with sadness and pain, there was also joy. Joy that at long last, he was back with my Gramma, that for him there is no more tears or sadness or pain. Joy that he was a man who loved God and walked faithfully with God for many years, that he fought the good fight, that he kept the faith and finished the race. And man, what a race he ran. 

I am thankful. Thankful for the chance to travel back briefly and be with my family. Thankful for the gift of an amazing grandfather, and the gift of having him in my life for nearly 35 years. Thankful for Elliot snuggling in for a nap, and for those precious extra days with him. Thankful for a family that loves and cares for one another. Thankful for many friends and coworkers in Bangkok who made my absence possible. Thankful for being there, something I have learned to never take for granted. Thankful that in the midst of sorrow there is always joy, and that the sorrow in fact teaches us what it is to feel joy. 

With Grampa on my trip to Long Lake in September 2013. 

Plants, passion, and peace in a new season

Life is Bangkok has settled back into its usual routine, which somehow has a distinctly different flavor every semester. I've never before lived in a place where the daily pattern of my life changes so much every few months, sometimes with little rhyme or reason. I might run every Saturday morning for a few months, and then stop. Or maybe I see a particular friend regularly for a year, and then we come back and never quite pick back up again. I go through streaks with which grocery store I prefer, or do I like the market better (weekend market or Ram 2?) or do I not even want to cook at all? Part of the fluctuation is just the nature of the expat life, part of it is the ebb and flow of this particular community, and part of it is just me and my come and go self. Since certain parts of my life naturally become so regimented, maybe the changes are the way I manage to survive without living in an enormous rut. Either way, my "new normal" normal life seems to have returned. 

What does that mean for this seaon? Well, as mentioned in a previous post, one thing it means is plants. Green plants, flowering plants, and edible plants. I've been working on the green plants for years, and a few of them flower on and off, but this is the first time I've tried actual flowers. So far, they are alive and well and I have plans to add a second pot of them. My veggies- tomatoes and radishes- are also doing well. My seedlings have grown into small plants. The radishes will take just a few weeks to mature, but the tomatoes are much slower. They're in small pots acclimating to the great outdoors right now. Next week I'll move them to full sun and wind, and then later to their permanent home large pots. 

Another aspect of this season has been a renewed passion for the missional side of my job. In part, that comes from teaching Bible this year. In part, it comes from having 13 little sponges, I mean four year olds, in my class. They love to learn about God, to sing praises to his name, and to pray. One of my favorite moments of the whole year (all 25 days of it so far) was at the end of the day when we were all packed up and doing a fingerplay while we waited for the bell to ring. One student raised her hand and asked if we could "do the one where we go like this (folds her hands) and talk to Jesus. Why yes, yes we can!  Another student interrupted calendar time last Friday to ask where God got all his power. Who gave it to him? Try answering that one in language that a four year old understands!  

I have also really been enjoying cooking lately. I've slacked off considerably this week, but was doing well until now, which means I have my freezer well stocked for these days when I'm too lazy to cook. This past weekend I baked bread and blueberry muffins, then a friend dropped off some banana bread, so I had baked goods coming out of my ears. Luckily, I found some people who were willing to take some of those muffins off my hands :) 

This has also been a season of lovely Saturday mornings spent with my friend and her kiddos. We will often meet at the school and talk while we watch the kids swim or play. Being nearly 3 years old, their new favorite activity is to go to Tee-Tee (Aunt) Clare's room and play. We are pretty okay with whatever keeps them occupied while we chat and drink our coffee. We don't make it every Saturday, but we've done it often, and it is always precious when we do. 

Oddly enough, given some situations going on around me, this has also been a time that I would describe with the word peace. Perhaps my heart is finally beginning to trust God and, I hate to even type it, let it go (cue the music...). It's no secret that I am a bit of a control freak. My brain knows that God is soveriegn, that he alone holds my life in his hands, and that he does in fact, want and know what is best for me. My heart has always been slow to believe it, leading to a great deal of worry and anxiety and stress. I don't know what the difference is, if I am just tired of fighting or if the daily ritual of watching one particular tired student fight against sleep at nap time has allowed things to click at a deeper level. Either way, I'd say this is a time that has been characterized by peace, and I am grateful. Tough days and tough decisions lie ahead, but I've been able to resist stressing about them now and just leave them in God's hands. I know; I'm a little slow on the up take. 

Wow, I finally wrote a blog post that wasn't entirely about K4! I am reclaiming my life! It's just cause we're having so much fun that I can't help but write about it. But it does in fact feel good to be working normal hours again and getting my life back! 

Blood, sweat, tears, and a few little green sprouts

Blood: we had our first dripping/gushing blood in K4C this week. Luckily it was only a bloody nose and it stopped fairly quickly. Bloody noses I can handle. Open gaping flesh wounds? Not so much. Praying we don't end up with any of those! 

Sweat: our morning recess is shady and cool, but lunch recess is like a little sauna. It doesn't help that we eat in an open air cafeteria so I'm sweating even before I get to recess duty, as even the shade at midday is somewhat miserable. My poor little kiddos are soaked after ten minutes. We don't stay out much longer than that and there's usually a gaggle of them following me around waiting for me to ring the bell for the last minute or two. They are sometimes resistant to drinking water earlier in the day, but no one resists when I make them get drinks after lunch! 

Tears: my morning drop off criers have pretty much stopped, but we still get some tears throughout the day from bumps on the playground or tired frustrating moments during wake up or things like that. No one has cried in time out yet, and I totally expected them too. My TA told me my time outs aren't scary, which they aren't supposed to be, though they seem sufficiently effective so far. Come to think of it, no one has gotten time out during recess yet, so maybe that's when the tears will come...

Sprouts: I've been getting more into gardening in the last few years and have enjoyed visiting my brother's community garden in New York and seeing what he grows at his apartment as well. So this summer I bought some seeds because hey, if he can grow tomatoes on his fire escape in New York, I should be able to grow them on my balcony in Bangkok, right? This week I planted tomato and radish seeds and they just started sprouting🌱. I'm so excited to get them into pots and watch them grow. And then of course, to eat them. I have some sugar snap peas too, but I wanted to try these first. 

Tomato sprout 

Radishes! Maybe not my favorite veggie, but they're supposed to be easier to grow than most of the others and I like them well enough, especially if they're from my own garden ❤️

The First Week

LOne week down, and so far K4 is everything I hoped it would be. My students are delightful. They range from shy and sensitive to spunky-spitfire independent, from well trained little listeners to 'what? you want me to sit down?'. Some look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them to draw a picture of themself, others have practically mastered the objectives of K4 already. They are excited, giggly, impulsive, silly, talkative, stubborn, eager, insistent, adorable, emotional, hilarious, and all the other things a 4 year old ought to be. When we went to the big auditorium for chapel yesterday, the chairs kept folding up on half of them because they aren't big enough to weigh it down. The little one next to me held her blankie. It's been awesome. 

I've been so impressed with how quickly they are catching on to the classroom routines. The one transition that we are really struggling with is entirely my fault and not theirs- we haven't yet found a "come in from recess signal" that is loud enough for them to hear during the craziness of lunch recess. They're great at lining up after morning recess, but it's much calmer and quieter then so they can hear. Well, that and some of them really don't like waking up after nap time, but hey, who does? 

As expected, the first week brought tears, snot, vomit, and blood, but it also brought lots of laughter and smiles. Their favorite activity is a brilliant "game" called Mokey See, Monkey Do. I say, "Monkey see, monkey do, I can ________, how about you?" and fill in the blank with all kinds of things- wiggle, jump, touch my toes, act like a dinosaur, etc.  The brilliant part is, the last line of the game is always 'line up' or 'sit quietly' or whatever else I need them to do at that time. For a movement break or a transition, it works like a charm :) 

There are things I miss about middle school for sure- the quirks of preteens and young teens, being able to send a kid to fill my water bottle for me, their independence, the five minutes between classes when I can actually use the bathroom- but plenty of my kids have been stopping by after school this week to say hi or waving vigorously at me when they see me on their way to PE, drama, or play after lunch (all of which require them to walk by the elementary building). They change so much over the summers that some of their names escape me when I first see them, especially those I haven't taught in a few years. I miss my middle school colleagues and the swagger of the 8th graders who think they rule the world, but I am comforted by a great K4 team and my new kiddos and being so busy during the day that it just flies by.  I'm glad I made the switch. 

As my days have begun to find their way back to routine, the homesickness has come too. Pictures of my family enjoying time in northern Michigan, videos of my nephew laughing hysterically, reports about how my Grampa is doing- while I want them and welcome them, they also make me miss people. It's the never ending struggle of my life and my job- my heart scattered across the globe. But as I sit with my tea and look at my balcony garden and the trees and city beyond, I know I am where I am supposed to be right now. God is faithful. 

Ready for K4!

8 months ago I sat in the elementary office talking to the principal, exploring the possibility of moving to elementary. When she mentioned that a K4 position would be open I knew it was for me.  Today we had our open house and I met most of my sweet kiddos. I can't wait for them to come tomorrow!  It's going to be such a fun year :)  

Classroom "before" pictures (what it looked like when I showed up July 23):

The classroom in progress...

Ready for Open House today!

Ready or not, here they come! And yes, I'm ready :)

Summer highlights

If I had to sum up my summer in one phrase, it would be quality time.  The last three consecutive years I've had major summer events of some sort that kept me pretty busy (Argentina, Meg's wedding, then Argentina again), making this summer feel a bit low key. Somehow though, it was still jam packed, and as always, there were things I hoped to do that didn't happen. 

The highlight for sure was the quality time that I got with so many different people.  

One definite highlight of any trip to Michigan is my time with my friends Katie and Cora and their families. If anyone wants tips on how to keep their kids connected to relatives who live far away, these ladies are great models.  It brings me so much joy to see the kids' little faces at the front window when I drive up. Despite the fact that I've lived out of the country for most or all of their short lives, their moms make sure that they know me. I am so thankful for the time I had with them this summer! 

Making and then playing our own board game with Cora and her kids. 

Another highlight was the time I got to spend with my brother Matt. Between my five days in New York and his three in Michigan, I felt like I had more time with him than I have in years.  I also loved that I got to enjoy both of my brothers' cooking this summer. I don't know many (or any!) other expats who return home looking forward to the dinner their brother is going to make for them! 

A rather unexpected highlight was that by the end of the summer, I had managed to see, at least briefly, every single one of my aunts and uncles on both sides of the family.  I think there are 20 of them, and with so many people out of town during the summer months, it was a remarkable feat.  It also meant that I got a lot of time with my family and extended family in general, and that is always awesome.  They are the roots that give me the wings to fly here.  Within the aunt and uncle highlight was the particular time I got with my aunt and uncle in San Jose.  It was really special to get that one-on-one (or two) time with them and I can't wait to go back. 

In California with Aunt Leona and Uncle Dave

A long awaited highlight was the time I got with my friend Holly in Central California.  Ever since she made the decision to leave Bangkok we've were planning this trip and it did not disappoint.  I love that we had hours and hours to talk and that I got to see a little snipet of her life in California.  

With Holly :)

My final weekend in the States brought several great highlights of food and company. My friends Katie and Amy, who I skated with many years ago and both live out of state now, we're both in Ann Arbor visiting family. We had a chance to catch up over a long dinner at Bigalora Friday night. I'm not sure the last time that all three of us were together, but I think it was in the ballpark of five years ago. Then Saturday I went out for a farewell dinner with my mom  and siblings (we missed you Matt and Andrew!) at Bacco, which was amazing. Every single course was just perfect. Then on Sunday we had a bridal shower for my cousin at Bigalora Royal Oak and I wrapped up the weekend with breakfast with Katie and Amy on Monday before a Tuesday morning departure. Whew! 

The most anticipated highlight (and it lived up to its billing) was the quality time I got with my nephew.  I got time with him at family events, time with him at his house, one-on-one time babysitting him, and time with him at Aunts and Elliot Day. It was awesome to be there to see him roll over for the first time and watch him grow and develop over the course of the six weeks.  He was definitely longer and gigglier by the time I left, and he had just learned to sit up and had started eating cereal.  He is just absolutely delightful and I miss him terribly!  In addition to the joy of meeting him, I also really liked seeing my sister and brother-in-law as parents.  They're doing a great job :)  

The day we first met. Yes, I bought him that onesie :) 

What a great mom she is! 

Too cute! 

Our last day together- sitting up like a big boy! 

There were so many other quality time moments sprinkled throughout my summer that made it a lot of fun to be back.  It's never easy to leave everyone and the adjustment back can be a bit rough, but somehow the working crazy hours has made it a bit easier in that at least I don't feel the quiet quite so much.  I'm thankful for all the quality time that God blessed me with on my trip!  

Jet lag brain

I would like to write about my time in Michigan this summer, but that would require processing that is wel beyond my emotional or physical energy right now so instead I will put my feet up, eat a Thin Mint (or two or four) and tell you about my jet lag brain. 

Jet lag brain is defined as doing stupid things all day due to a lack of sleep.  I'm an 8-9 hours a night girl and my first years in Bangkok were blessedly free of jetlag, but lately I have not been so fortunate.  It's Friday night and I haven't slept more than 5 hours a night since Sunday night. That must be a lifetime record for me.  As I result I have done laughably stupid things all day, despite feeling much better than I really should. 

1. I spelled wonderful as "wonerful". On a bullentin board. Redo. 

2. A short time later I hung a line of numbers 1-100 on my classroom wall (for counting the first 100 days of school).  Well, that I was the idea anyway. Somehow I missed 76-80 and skipped right fromm 75 to 81. I was just glad that I only had to redo the last 3/4! 

3. I chose background paper for my jungle animals bullentin board and picked yellow.  Two of the animals are the same exact yellow. So I added some green grass to the bottom so they could be against a green background. But then the animals in the yellow looked like they were floating in midair. A quick text message consult with a friend decided that the floating was just going to be okay. Then I needed to add a sun because the giraffe's neck was too long for the grass resulting in yellow on yellow again. I have lightly tacked everything up now to make sure I like it before finalizing.  I've already adjusted the elephant around 100 times.  Quick project rapidly became a long project.  

The elephant is less angled now, but this is essentially the final product. No, I did not make the animals (credit there goes to my friend Karly), but yes, I did make that grass and I am pretty impressed with myself for that! 

4. Perhaps the mostly costly oops of all- I started a load of laundry without turning the water on (you need to turn it on and off every time you do a load). I discovered my mistake 20-30 min later when the machine was beeping like crazy and flashing all kinds of lights. I got the water on, but it wasn't coming out much and couldn't restart the machine/cycle. I unplugged the washer and plugged it back in because that fixes everything, right? Now it won't even turn on. Sigh. 

Luckily there are new coin operated machines on the ground floor of my building that I can use tomorrow night. Here's to hoping that I'll actually sleep tonight!