Resettling

I've been back in Bangkok for about eight days now- five days of freedom and then back at work for the last three. It's always an adjustment coming back, and the first week is the worst of it. When you live in another country, you always keep your big toe back at home- a small connection and a vague of awareness of what is going on. But that first week of transition it's not a big toe, it's your whole foot still in that world, and it takes time to pick up the rhythm of the new place again.

But the last few days have been good in several ways. First, I've been able to connect with friends in real and meaningful ways that remind me that even if my family is far away I do have friends and people here who love, care, listen, share, laugh, and invest. Second, I get a chance to remember why I am here and why I believe in the mission and vision and philosophy if my school. We are able to pray as a staff for our school, our students, and the year ahead. I get to remember that this thing I do, teaching, I love it for all it sucks out of me, and I'm good at it. 

There are still things to figure out of course, and I have my goals and things I want to work on this semester, but it's a good start and a good place to be. Now if someone could just get this Tigers game online to stop pausing and freezing and restarting we'd be all set! 

Rumbles of Rain

It's monsoon season again, and really, most of the time I love it.  I love watching the sky be slowly overcome by the dark gray and green masses that blow ominously in.  I love the distant rumbles of thunder that grow every closer. I love the sound of the rain pelting my living room windows when the drops fall particularly sideways.  I love the cool breezes that occasionally follow the storm and fill my living room. 

Luckily, the overall amount of rain is lower this year, and widespread flooding is not a major concern (yet).  Localized flooding is definitely occurring, however, and I hear reports from time to time on twitter about certain areas being underwater.  After last year's debacle our school is taking extra precautions regarding potential floods, which is a good thing, though I'm guessing my predictions from last year that we won't get a solitary flood day this year will come to pass.  Around here, we don't pray for massive flooding across Thailand of course, but we certainly don't really pray against some localized stuff directly in front of our school :) 

I'm slowly adapting to this different cycle and rhythm of seasons and nature and am enjoying the warmth very much. Every morning on my 3 minute walk to school I rejoice in the soft warm air against my skin, and marvel at how day after day and month after month I don't need so much as a sweater or jacket or closed-toed shoe.  I need them on occasion as protection from over aggressive air conditioners, but that's a much different situation than the frozen north from which I come. 

A lot of people around here really miss fall.  I suppose I miss that crispness a bit, and some of the scents and flavors that come with it, but it's a fleeting sort of missing.  When it comes to fall I guess I really only miss three things: the afternoon Michigan game from time to time, apple crisp (which I actually had a few weeks ago so I can check that off the list) and the Long Lake weekend.  Instead, I guess I'll have to take the cool breezes when they come and enjoy my cups of tea while the AC is on. 

Year 2 in Full Swing

Lately, God has been pouring out blessing upon blessing in my life, and lesson upon lesson. I still cannot get over how much better the second year here is going in comparison to the first.

I'm being challenged so much in my teaching- not by the lesson plans or behavior problems or usual things that bog teachers down, but challenged in my actual teaching, challenged in the craft of helping these kids understand not just how to do mathematics, but the whys behind it all.  It's such a joy to not waste so much energy telling little Johnny to sit down and be quiet and so be able to really craft and deliver lessons.

I'm being challenged and stretched in my social life as well.  I've had such good times with a wide range of people and God has been working in my heart through many different conversations.  It helps so much to have that year of history to fall back on- either history with people or just history of understanding how the social subculture in which I live really works.

I'm also being challenged in my words. Somehow, lately, my little tiny feet keep getting put in my big fat mouth, but people have been exceptionally kind and forgiving with me and I am slowing learning to think before I speak.  The entire process has been revealing a lot of my critical and judgmental nature and God has really been working on me, on the inner source of the things I say, and not just on getting a better filter.  He's been challenging me in so many of the areas in which I judge and criticize others so heavily- and teaching me a lot about his grace.

I'm being challenged at church too.  I'm going to a small bilingual church near my house that has an amazing heart for the lost and a Spirit of life that I have never experienced in a church setting before.  The teaching challenges me every week, while at the same time speaks directly to new believers and the questions and difficulties they face.  I'm so excited about being a part of what God is doing in that place.

And today I was reminded not to become complacent in my life here, not to take things for granted.  Thing is, so much here is already so normal to me that I don't even notice it. And while part of that is necessary for transition survival, I also don't ever want to forget the great privilege I have to live in Thailand.  I have so many other thoughts from the past week or two, but they're still all floating around in my head, waiting to fully crystalize.  More soon :)

Jet Lag

I admit, I feel a little guilty saying this, but emmm, I don't really get much jet lag.  I feel incredibly blessed in that way, as friends and colleagues continue to wake up early, and throughout the night.  I do have several distinct advantages over many of these people, the first being that I don't have small children.  Little ones can't be coaxed and coddled into changing their sleep schedule very easily, and if they're awake, you're awake.  Secondly, I am a champion sleeper. It's one of my greatest talents.  With few exceptions, I can sleep most anywhere and any time, which not only helps me when I arrive at my destination, but also helps me start to adjust my sleep schedule in transit on the planes when I need to.  Don't hate me, but that first week I basically wake up once per night, use the bathroom, and fall back asleep till morning- ahhhh sleep!  I also happen to believe in better living through chemistry, so that helps me get a good night sleep that first night I arrive. 

So this week wasn't quite as bad as it could have been. After my 50 some hours in transit, my flight landed in Bangkok last Sunday night at 10:15 and I was at work at 7:30 Monday morning.  By Tuesday I'd developed a cold, and though it made me miserable, it probably also help me sleep even better than normal.  As I adjusted mentally and physically this week, I pretty much just worked and watched Olympics.  School starts Tuesday and I'll start resuming the rest of my regular life activities once I get the first few days under my belt- and the Olympics finish.  Maybe next week when I'm feeling better I'll even be able to watch later into the evening! 

A return to Buenos Aires

12 hours ago I landed at the international airport in Buenos Aires.  The first time I landed there, 7 years ago now, I had no idea what I was in for. When I returned two years after that, I thought it was to teach- little did I know it was to fall in love with this city. I walked through my old neighborhood today, stepping over the same cracked sidewalks, crossing the same cobbled streets, dodging the same crazy drivers and I felt such a mixture of surreal-ness and at-home-ness. For two years it has existed only in my memory, and now suddenly, it is real again.

Returning here is so different than returning to Michigan.  Every time I leave Michigan, I know that I will return, and I generally know when as well.  Michigan is such a fundamental part of who I am that I am never really far from her, even when on the other side of the world, and my continual return is never in question.  But here, every step back is a small miracle, a gift to treasure and savor.

It's going to take my brain some time to adjust to being here, but that's okay.  For now I am content with the unreal-ness of it: the laughs with friends over coffee, the struggles of my tongue to respond in Spanish, the sounds of the cars as they rumble down the streets, the chill of a Buenos Aires winter day.  And I am reminded of the cliché that each day is a gift, that no matter where I am I carry the people and places of my life in my heart.  Today begins my 20 days of the gift of Buenos Aires.  The gift of these people, these friends, this language, this city.

All circumstances: thoughts on contentment

Funny how sometimes being home makes me homesick.  It's like a big giant reminder of what I miss when I'm gone.  Yesterday I got to hang out with one of my dearest friends, meet her newborn, and spend time with her older two kids.  I'd never gotten to hear the two year old speak a complete sentence before, but as I walked in the door cradling a warm loaf of blueberry bread wrapped in a tea towel he looked at me quizzically and asked, "You have a new baby too?"  I miss watching him grow up, and I feel that all the more keenly when I do get to spend time with him.  His older sister told me at dinner that maybe when she got a little bigger she could come with me to Thailand :)  And it amazed me how sad I felt leaving their house after a lovely few hours. It wasn't sadness over this visit so much as sadness at all the visits I don't get to have. 

Paul writes about being content in all circumstances- as in having plenty or being in want.  For me, content in all circumstances means content in all locations.  It means that when I am in Thailand, I live in Thailand, and that when I am in the States I am fully present with those here.  And when I have special times, like next month in Argentina, to be fully there and enjoy the company of friends that I don't often get to see.

I don't foresee this tension between places ever going away.  I cannot be in all three places at once and no matter where I am, I miss someone's wedding or someone's birth, someone's grief or growing vocabulary.  So instead I find a way to live in that tension- to celebrate the weddings I do get to attend, the newborns (in several countries) that I do get to snuggle, the lives that I do get to walk alongside.  I live in that tension because I know that God has called me to be content even in the sadness of the things I miss.  I can be content because it grows out of the core foundation on my being in Christ.  So whether I'm sipping tea in Michigan, mate in Buenos Aires, or cha yen in Bangkok, I know that it is not culture or location that defines my contentment.  That lies much deeper, in doing what God has called me to and walking beside him each day. 

I want to do better at this.  I want to rest more easily in this contentment, in this struggle that so many of us face, not just the ones who move overseas.  The world challenges our contentment in so many ways.  So I do what I can to fix my eyes on Christ- the only way we're ever going to escape the tensions of having and wanting and of being and not being- so that we too can say, I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am (Philippians 4:11).

You might be an ex-pat if...

• You have a box in your house labeled "cell phones and chargers" where you keep your out of country phones. 
• You bookmark your passport to help the immigration officials get to the correct pages faster. 
• You own special liquid soap made for fruits and veggies.  
• You look forward to layovers in Incheon because it's just that nice. 
• Every bag and purse you own has a copy of your passport in it. 
• You periodically pack up your home so that you can go home for a bit. 
• You have your passport number memorized. 
• Flights under 8 hours are considered "short".  
• You keep a bag of foreign currency in your desk drawer. 
• No matter where you are you miss being somewhere else. 

Finding My Niche

As my first year as ICS draws to a close (8.5 days left!),  I'm spending lots of time with friends before we go our separate ways for the months of June and July.  I have truly awesome friends here, but I don't really have a niche exactly, and that's okay.  It's okay because it's only been 10 months, and if I'd completely found my "spot" in 10 months that would probably mean that everyone here was exactly like me, which they are not. And that it a good thing. What a boring world it would be if everyone were just like me. I have friends who are culturally similar to me, but demographically different.  And friends who are demographically similar but culturally different.  And then there are the friends who are just plain different :) And being friends with many different kinds of people does make it harder, especially when I am a J (read: planner) and they are a P (read: not a planner) or when their lifestyle is vastly different than mine due to their kids or their job or their culture.  So as much as I would really like to know how life is going to look day by day and week by week, I don't. And that makes me a bit unsettled. 

But I was reminded today that it's okay to take a while to settle in and find that niche.  None of us are really completely at home here on earth anyway.  We all have the restless flutters inside us that whisper I am made for more than this.  We are all strangers and aliens in the land, even if we live in the nation of our birth.  God did not create us for eternity in this world.  We have eternal yearnings because we are eternal beings.  So when we feel like we don't quite fit in the world around us, it's because, well, we don't fit in the world around us.  The world is temporary and we are eternal.  The world is ruled by the Father of Lies and we were created by the Father of Truth and Life.

I will, eventually, find my niche here.  But even then, I hope that I don't become so comfortable that I forget what I was really created for.  

Moved In

I am writing this post from my new couch (that my friend and I assembled today) in my new apartment.  I’m typing here, though I’ll have to go back to the old place later to paste it into blogger and post it.  No internet here yet, which will probably be the most trying bit of the first week here (perhaps I should mentally prepare myself for a two week process…).  But this post is not about problems, not about struggles or overcoming.  This post is about God’s awesome provision.  

Two weeks ago I had my personal retreat at the Tree House, the main theme of which was “Do not worry.  Seek the One Thing and God will take care of the many things.”  Of course, it’s one thing to do that when you are in a Tree House. It’s quite another when you’re in the thick of moving.

One evening this past week I had a little moment of panic.  I was definitely freaking out about all the things I needed to do and buy for this move, and was worrying about the money, worrying about the time and energy, worrying about doing all these things on my own.  After a short time of panic, I finally wised up and lay down and prayed and handed it all over to God.  All the money, all the details, all the help I needed and didn’t want to ask for.  

A friend had already offered to bring the pick-up truck from her ministry and help me take the stuff in that so I didn’t have to walk or get a taxi to take it.  And then, without my asking, another friend just pulls out her calendar and asks, when are you moving?  I’ll come help.  Wow!  One of the things that had made me panic was realizing there are things that houses just come with in the States, that they don’t here, that I need to buy- in particular, a stove top or hot plate type item.  And so I was all wondering where I buy one or what kind to get or how much they cost… The next day, I was telling a friend about how I had completely forgotten about that bit when she tells me that she has an extra hot plate that she doesn’t use and would I like it?  Practically brand new.  And she won’t take any money for it, though she is going to let me take her for a massage on Monday. 

And the help just kept pouring in.  I needed a ride home from Ikea Friday evening to pick up the couch I wanted, so I asked two people at work that had vans/trucks, hoping one would be free. They both were, and were both willing to help!  And then M-Day arrived on Saturday morning and I get a text from another friend.  What time was a I moving my stuff, and did I want any help?  Yes, please!  And to put the icing on the cake, as my friend came with the pick-up truck, she had three teenage guys with her to help!  Needless to say, it then took less than an hour for us to get everything down the four flights of stairs, into the truck, driven to the complex next door, and hauled up the elevator to the 6^th floor.  

God is just so amazing in how he has provided for the many things this week.  There are more things to buy tomorrow, and unpacking to do, but he made “the worst of it” incredibly easy and fast and in many ways, even fun since I was with friends.  And in terms of unpacking, there’s actually a lot I can’t do right now. The new kitchen stuff is being installed next Friday, so I am going to wait until after that to unpack the kitchen stuff, and pretty much all I have are my clothes, a few books, and the kitchen stuff (okay okay, and my plants and lamps and rugs and pictures…). 

But today was definitely an illustration for me of the body of Christ at its best.  My family, who would normally help me in a situation like this, is far away.  But here in Bangna, God has provided brothers and sisters in Christ who have come alongside me and helped me. Where I had need, He provided through them.  A beautiful picture indeed. 

Moving, it's like getting blood drawn, jing jing!

Moving is like getting blood drawn, and here's why:

• When the idea is proposed is doesn't sound all that bad. 
• As the time draws nearer, you start panicking.  
• You panic because you've done this before, you've been here before, and suddenly you remember how horribly unpleasant it is.  
• There's no backing out: you've just gotta get through it.  
• The panic is really quite silly. 
• Doing it by yourself makes you feel more grown up. 
• It goes so much better if there is a friend there to do it with you- to help you move, to hold your hand and distract you as the needle goes in. 
• You get quietly envious of those people who only have to do this once per decade, or so. 
• It has a purpose, there is a good and logical reason why you're doing this. In the moment though, that doesn't necessarily help much. 
• It's painful and uncomfortable. 
• It's quite possible that it leaves a bruise. Hopefully a small one.  
• Costs more money than it should. 
• And then, it's over.  Life and living return to normal.  And while in your head you promise yourself that was the last time, in your heart know it's coming again some day...

Creature of habit, on the move again

In the past two years, in three countries on three continents, I have lived in four different places, and on Saturday it will become five.  And I am not a big fan of change.  Years ago, at another time when the residences far outnumbered the years, I noticed something about myself when I move: I never want to leave the old house behind even when I am excited for the new one. 

I am a creature of habit, strong habits, and I fully move in and become at home wherever I live.  I establish my little routines.  So every time I move, something small inside me wonders if I'll be able to make the habits and routines fit in the new place.  When I move from somewhere big to somewhere small, will everything fit?  Of course it always does, I am just one person.  When I move from somewhere small to somewhere big, will my timing and routines still work if they are more 'spread out'?  Of course, they always do.  For as much as I hate the changes and as much as I have quite the habits and routines, I have learned that I am also quite adaptable.  Whether I am on Primera Junta or España, on Old Woodward or Bashian, at ICS or at Parkland, the new place soon becomes home and my routines make the adjustment. 

So it is with excitement, though also a twinge of sadness, that I am packing up my little studio this week and preparing to move to the new Parkland apartment.  I've really liked living in this apartment, more so than I thought I would.  I thought that having a studio would be weird to me, but I actually enjoy it.  I thought that being on campus would be horrible and I would feel like I never left work, but when I'm in my room I actually forget that I'm still on the school campus- I'm in my own world. 

By Saturday, I will buy furniture for the first time in my life (that $20 Salvation Army couch in college does not count)- I'm buying both a new couch and a new mattress for the new place.  I will purchase dishes for the first time, instead of enjoying lovely sets handed down through the family or using ones that belong to roommates.  I'm picking out silverware.  And thinking about paint colors.  It feels a bit strange, even though I am well old enough (older than most buying that stuff for the first time), but exciting too.  It might take a bit of time to settle in, but I know it will be home soon enough, as it has always become so in the past. 

And the transition goes on...

The longer I am in Thailand, the more I realize how lucky I was in my transition to Argentina.  I have always known that it was an easy one and that it went really smoothly.  Until now, however, I didn't fully realize just how good I had it.  It's just as well they came in this order, four and a half years ago I don't know that I could have withstood this, and that may have been the end of my missionary-teacher career.  This time around, I am seven and a half months in and I continue to feel the pitches and rolls of transition, and it's not unusual.  Nor is it going to stop me.  I've (mostly) quit analyzing what has made the difference in the two transitions as I continue to adjust and find my place at ICS and in Bangkok, and as I learn each day more and more where my strength truly lies.

This morning I had the chance to skype with my amazing sister (thanks to a day off school due to a Buddhist holiday today) and we were remarking about how in three short months I'll be home and have the first year under my belt.  Hard to believe that the 3rd quarter at school wraps up next week and we will soon be on the homestretch.  My experience in Buenos Aires was that going back for the second year was harder than the first arrival: things weren't new and exciting anymore- it was just work.  But I'm hopeful that my resettlement next August may prove to be different, especially if I can get some of the hurdles of moving (such as getting internet and wifi set up in an off-campus apartment) out of the way before I leave in June.

Last night, since it was a fake-Friday night, my friend and I had dinner and tea at a Moroccan tea house downtown.  Under the glow of lantern light and mosquito repellent we talked and laughed and cried until way past my bedtime.  In an outdoor courtyard where the warm summer night was able to curl up around us, we encouraged one another and prayed for each other as only God could have ordained.  It doesn't take the transition away, but it was a powerful reminder of many of the things I love about being here and doing what I do. 

Loving Deeply and Holding Loosely

Last semester, I talked a lot with a friend about the concept of Loving Deeply, yet Holding Loosely.  We discussed how on some level, we all know that some day we're going to have to say good-bye to everyone, but living in the expat community makes that reality all the more, well, real.  People come and go fairly regularly and the continuous cycle of good-byes can leave one burned out and broken.  One survival tactic is to simply not get too attached to anyone, so it's not as painful when one or the other of you leaves.  What we talked about instead was loving deeply- not being afraid to connect with people, love them, and let them in your life- yet holding loosely- living in the moment, the here and now, and acknowledging that it won't last forever. 

It's a tough balance to strike- the ability to love genuinely and deeply while simultaneously being aware of the temporary nature of relationship.  We want to love deeply; we don't want to get hurt.  But joy and sorrow are intertwined, we can't have one without some element of the other, and if we cease loving, we cease, in many aspects, living as well. 

Even in this environment of transition, it can be easy to forget about reality, that people will come and go.  But I have been well reminded of it this week.  In early October I met a friend at church and we started hanging out and getting to know each other.  Early on, there was a point in which I had to make a decision whether or not to invest: the longest she would be in Bangkok was next September, and if her visa to India came through, it would be much shorter than that.  So I made a conscious decision to invest in the present moment, knowing that it would not last forever.  I treasured each Sunday morning and afternoon I had to spend with my friend. As the steps toward the visa were checked off, I cheered her on, knowing that this was the ministry (International Justice Mission) that God had called her to.  And I tried not to think too far ahead.

And yesterday the news came: it could be as little as 3 more days until the visa, and as soon as next Friday that she'll depart.  And I was sad- happy for my friend, but sad for myself.  It's not that I will never see her again- she'll stop back in BKK in September en route to the job that awaits her in London in October, and with her parents living in BKK, she'll be here to visit in the future.  And I may even have a chance to go to India while she is there.  Plus, my growing collection of friends in London makes it an increasingly tempting stop.  What's sad is the loss of routine with her, what one of my friends likes to call "living life together".  This loss is part of coming here- I lose that with everyone I leave behind, and with each person who will move on from here. 

And so, after several months of being able to invest and love deeply, the time comes to hold loosely.  I am excited for all God has for her in these months with IJM.  I am thankful for the time we had together and for the blessing her friendship has been to me.  I trust God that the void that will be left in my Sunday afternoons will be filled by his hand. 

A home church!

I have, at long last, settled on a home church.  It's called Grace Church Bangkok, and it's part of a network of churches called Every Nation.  One of the things I like about this church, which drew me to this church, is the people.  From the moment my friend and  I started visiting we were warmly welcomed and had genuine conversations with people who would actually remember our names the next time we came back.  The church has a really good heart.  It's a small church, maybe 50 people, and fairly new. It was a church plant by Every Nation Church Bangkok.  The pastors seem good at encouraging people to grow deeper in their faith, through the preaching, worship, small groups, and prayer.  One thing they have done these past two weeks is really encourage us to get involved in a small group.  My friend went to one this past Thursday, but that's the night I have my 2 hour Thai class, so getting downtown and back isn't really going to happen for me on Thursdays.  But today they were also telling me about a Bible study that meets on Tuesdays and another girl that meets with a friend for Bible study on Mondays invited me to that.  So we'll see.  I'm going to take it slow in adding too much to my schedule right now, but so far I like how everyone has made sure we are invited to lunch after church and invited to small groups.  Today the whole church had lunch together at the pastor's house to celebrate a baby dedication and I had a chance to have more conversations with people.  It's not a perfect church, but it's a good fit for me right now. There are a lot of Filipinos and quite a few people from Hawaii, as well as some Thai people, other Asians, and a couple of Westerners.  I like that the sermon is translated into Thai and my friend and I were talking to the worship team today about singing in Thai in the future.  All three girls who sang today were Thai and were saying they'd love to sing in Thai some, but just didn't have time today with the dedication.  The church is located near a large prestigious university and does a lot of campus outreach through conversational English.  That seems to be an awesome outreach tool used by many church both here and in Burma.  Anyway, I'm excited to be going to the same church consistently and to be getting to know more people outside of ICS ( I do love ICS, but I also love getting outside the bubble).  I'm excited to see how God is going to work through this small but very enthusiastic church and how their (our) ministry can impact our community for Christ! 

Luxury Items

When I flew out here in July, my bags were filled to the brim with necessities (mostly). So this trip was my opportunity to bring some luxury items, though plenty of space and weight still went to necessities and items I picked up for other people.  I would like to state for the record, that each of my bags weighed in at 48.5 lbs.  On the one hand, that is a success.  On the other hand, with 3 more pounds on the table I could've fit another book or two...

A few special items that made the trip with me yesterday:

• My Henri Nouwen books (including the two I added to my collection last week)
• My ice skates
• The t-shirt quilt my mom made for me while I was in Argentina
• My 4" silver stilettos 
• The glass art my dad made me for Christmas- first time his glass has been able to make the overseas trek
• Mis libros en español
• A painting of the NYC skyline 
• My new carry-on bag, whose handle does not detach when you pull on it.  Very nice feature. 
• Yerba mate
• Frutigran biscuits from Argentina

The flights went well, as in they were on time and there wasn't much turbulence.  But man do I hate flying into the jet stream.  The 5 1/2 hour flight from Bangkok to Tokyo took 7 hours going the other way.  Not to mention the 10 1/2 hour flight from Tokyo to Detroit that took 13 1/2 hours in reverse!   I've been greeted by a warm breezy brilliantly sunny Saturday, and as excited as I am to see my friends and catch up with everyone, I am really enjoying this introvert day to rest and putz around my apartment.  Maybe I'll even go make another cup of tea. 

Renewed: Preparing to leave once again

I've got 48 hours left in the US and I plan to spend quite a few of them, how else, shopping.  Lots of great things to stock up on before I go.  Usually I spread out the collecting and spending over the entire visit, but this one has been so busy that it's all been left till the end.  Despite all the great products, what I love most about the US is the people, of course.  Granted, what I love most about Thailand is the people and what I miss most about Argentina is the people.  I think I just like people. 

But people, also, are hard to fit in a suitcase. And people are altogether too fragile, as a family tragedy has taught us all too well this week.  You can take every precaution, but so much of life is just unpreventable, unpredictable, and wholly unexplainable.   And that is, in part, what makes it so nice to come home and reconnect with so many people I love- too often this moment is all we have. 

My days in Michigan have been a deep breath, a step away from a life that I love, but a life also filled with challenges. I return to Bangkok this week with a renewed sense of purpose, in my life and in my work.  I return with renewed passion to live and love how Jesus did, with a layer of healing and forgiveness between me and some of the hurts of last semester, and with a joy to jump back into teaching and into learning Thai. I also return with twice as much luggage as I came with, but that's to be expected :)  These past few days the verse that keeps coming to mind is one from Isaiah, I don't know the chapter and verse off hand, but one that I have realized is just as much of a life verse as any other I have chosen: Yes, Lord, walking in your ways we wait for you, for your name and your renown are the desire of our hearts. 

May my heart always look at Jesus and say Yes, Lord. May I walk in his ways. May I wait for him, for he has a time for everything under heaven. And may the desire of my heart always be his Name and his renown.

Changing Places

More thoughts later in the week for sure, but for now, here are the randoms bits about being back in Michigan:

• It takes my body about 18 hours to switch places, but my head about 36 to get used to it. 
• I can drink the water right from the tap :) 
• I'm in nearly the same time zone as Buenos Aires- perfect for skyping with friends! 
• My body is responding to the jet lag by requesting a snooze and a light meal every 3-4 hours. I can live with that. 
• What I'm not liking so much is that today from 11am-4pm I felt like it was the middle of the night and I had that "I'm awake in the middle of the night" sick feeling. Blech. 
• A White Christmas would be nice, but I'm not going to complain about a 45 degree Christmas.  
• It's really really quiet here. I mean seriously quiet. 
• I really wish I didn't need to drive everywhere or anywhere.  In part because I hate driving and am not looking forward to getting behind the wheel tomorrow, but also because I like getting around without a car.  
• I sure do love drinking tea all day! 
• I watched TV last night for the first time since I left in July.  I really like that I don't watch it or miss it when I am gone.  
• Mis libros! Mis libros!  How good it is to be reunited with ones books :)

Waiting

Waiting is a big part of this time of year: kids wait for Christmas morning to come, parents wait for Christmas morning to be over, teachers and students alike wait for school to end, workers wait for their holidays, shoppers wait for the sales and salespeople wait for their commissions. 

I'm doing a lot of waiting myself right now.  Waiting for the last few days of school to pass.  Waiting to find my niche in Thailand.  Waiting to see my family and friends next week.  Waiting to settle into a church.  Waiting to start at Nak Suu in January.  Waiting to go to Argentina next summer.  Waiting for friendships to grow.  I'm not very good at waiting.  Impatience characterizes me much more so than patience, I'm afraid. 

But I was reminded this morning in my Bible study of how important it is to wait on God. When I try to take things into my own hands, I mess things up, and sometimes in rather spectacular ways.  But when I wait on God, I find that not only is the result better, but that the process can have its benefits as well.  I was reminded today that God operates outside of time, that for him a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day.  He is never early, never late, never too quick, never too slow. For thousands of years the Jewish people waited for the Messiah, and now we wait for his return.  We wait for the day when there is no more death or mourning or crying or pain.  We wait for every knee to bow and every tongue confess. We wait to see a gathering of all the nations praising God together.  But what a comfort it is to know that our waiting is not in vain. 

These last crazy days of the semester will eventually end.  I will in fact carve out my place here in Thailand. I will see my family and friends next week. I will choose a church and be able to settle in and connect there.  Nak Suu will start back up. July's trip to Argentina will come.  My friendships will continue to grow and deepen with time. And by then, I'm sure, I'll have a whole new list of things to wait for.

Light and Momentary Troubles.

Note: I tried a new blog template for a few days there, and there were things I liked about it, but it also bugged me.  So I'm back to the original template and it will stay that way unless there is an outcry from the readership to go to the new template.  

Wow.  5 1/2 days of school left in the semester. I should say, only 5 days because the last half day is a class party and grade level party (gag).  I'm all for Christmas, but I hate class parties- it's one of the main reasons I don't teach elementary school.  All that hyped-up craziness.  Shoot me now. 

In a mere 12 days, I will be home for Christmas, and I can't wait.  It's good to be home for Christmas anytime, but this year has a few extra special things.  For one, I have just learned that both of my best friends from high school will be with their families in Michigan for Christmas this year- the same time all three of us will be together since one of their weddings in May 2007.  In addition, in the 6 months since I left two of my other friends' little boys have turned 2 and started to talk. They are both characters and I CANNOT WAIT to hear what they have to say :)  But perhaps the best reason of all, besides the usual greatness of seeing family and friends, is that I could really use a break. 

I love Thailand.  I like living here.  I like my job.  I am glad that I came here and I can see God's fingerprints all over it.  But, it's also been really hard.  In many ways, harder than Argentina- for a million reasons.  Moving overseas is never easy, but rarely have I been so glad to put any 6 months of my life behind me.  There have been many great moments and fun times and times of growth, don't get me wrong, but it's also been a semester of challenge and turmoil and humility (nothing humbles you faster than not knowing anything) and crisis (aye the floods!) and sometimes even hurt. 

Perhaps the strangest thing of all is that if I had to do it over again, I would do it over again.  Not because I like pain, but because I believe that no matter how much it sucks some days, it is achieving purposes on many levels.  I do believe that some day I'll get the hang of all the procedures our school has and won't feel like an idiot constantly when I have to ask for help.  I believe that the work to learn Thai will pay off, that I will speak it and that it will be useful to me in life and in ministry (it was already helpful on Saturday!).  I believe that friendship, which is sometimes slow and arduous and painful to build, will one blossom.  I believe that one by one I will conquer the cultural systems around me (like the bank, where I need to go again tomorrow because I lost my ATM card again).  And, I believe that all of these light and momentary troubles are indeed achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  I am not here for myself or for my happiness, but to serve the king of King and lord of Lords, and if that means putting up with some of this stuff for awhile, so be it. 

So yeah, even if I limp to the end of the semester dragging, even if I'm crabby with my students, even if the journey isn't always pleasant or pretty, I know that it's part of transition.  Transition from the US to Thailand, from knowing and being known to being new and from temporary to eternal. 

Dear Thailand, the honeymoon's over.

Preface: For those of you who have either experienced cross cultural transition or have dealt a lot with those who have, this post comes as no surprise.  I am sure that many of you, dear readers, have seen this coming, just as I have.  Problem is, like a speeding train barreling down on, seeing it coming does not necessarily make it hurt less when it runs you over.  

Dear Thailand,

The honeymoon is over.  Don't get me wrong, dear adopted country,  I still love you and want to be with you; I have no plans to leave you.  But I would like to make a few things clear to you. 

Thailand, I don't necessarily understand your systems, and just because I hang back and observe for a moment before jumping in, it doesn't make me stupid.  I am not an idiot just because I don't  know which room or window to go to at the post office or the bank.  No one every told me to write down that number or save that special paper, so I'm sorry that I didn't.  I might not know what to call the piece of paper that I need from you because in my country, that piece of paper does not exist.  And, although it's very convenient that all your doctors have their offices right there at the hospitals, please also know that that is very intimidating and I haven't a clue of where to go or what procedure to follow in order to see the doctor that I need to. 

And my dear Thailand, know that I do love your language- its sounds and tones and the way you say all the fun words twice.  But you should also know that I have only been here for 4 months, so even though you don't fully understand me when I speak your language, I think it's actually pretty impressive that I know as much as I do.  So speak softly, and try to listen closely to me when I speak to you.  And be patient with me when I'm not ready to speak, because I mix up so many words or don't know the right words, so I'm not sure I'm really ready to communicate with your language yet if I don't have to. 

Thailand, I like that you are new, that you are an adventure, but sometimes I wish you were a little less exhausting.  That you gave me a little more personal space on public transportation, that you took the heads and the legs off the shrimp in my fried rice.  Sometimes I wish you didn't have U-turns or so many stairs to climb to cross the road.  That I didn't have to take my shoes off quite so much when my sandals have a buckle.  Sometimes I wish that you didn't have so much pollution that my boogers turn grey or that you could lower the humidity so that I could straighten my hair for just one day. 

I love you Thailand, I really do.  And I'm so glad that I am here.  I love your fried rice and noodles, your chaa yen (even if it keeps me up at night) and easy going attitude.  I love the high value that you place on family and the smile that is so often on your face.  I love the plethora of green plants all around me, and that the air is soft and gentle on my skin year round.  But I have to tell you, that even in all that love, the honeymoon has most definitely come to an end. 

Here's to working out a way to still spend our days together,
All my love,
Clare