New seasons

November is the month when the seasons change in Thailand, from rainy season to A Bit Less Hot season.  This week we've had several breezy days where the heat does grip in quite the same way and the AC might not be required every minute, and it's been great. I do love rainy season, with it's rolling black clouds and rush of wind as the storms blow in, but cool season is definitely my favorite. Everyone's favorite, I would imagine.

Lately, as the season shifts and the school year rolls on, I have been feeling so incredibly blessed. God has been incredibly good to me this semester, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. The abundance of his goodness and grace is often overwhelming and I find myself lost for words beyond Thank You. And believe me, I am not often at a loss for words!  

Even in the midst of abundance and blessing, life still holds great uncertainty and unknowns, but I know the One who goes before me and I trust that whichever way the road turns, I am going to be okay. After a long hiatus from running, I've finally gotten back into it a bit the past few weeks, and I love the opportunity that it gives me to think. I allows my thoughts to flop around in my brain in way that they can't when I am doing other activities. As they have done so, I have found that even in the bits of life that are unsure or sad or maddening or frustrating, I also have great peace and joy. 

So as cool season ushers in new life to Bangkok, the way the first winds of spring do in Michigan, I also feel ushered into a season of peace and contentment and trust, even in the great unknowns. 

Abundantly blessed

Admittedly, my blog posts aren't always the most, upbeat, exactly.  It's hard sometimes when you're a bit of a pessimist, or as my friend says, a practical realistic pessimist.  I'm generally much better at calamity than hope.  But this blog post isn't about the weight of the world or the intermingled joy and struggle of serving abroad or the heartbreaking realities of life around us.

This past week I was booking some flights, again.  I have done that a lot lately.  In the past few months I've booked flights to Singapore (I went for a weekend in March), to the US for the summer, and to Chiang Rai (in northern Thailand) for later this week.  This week I got tickets to go to central and northern California in July to spend time with friends and relatives.  And now that that itinerary is in place, I am working on the dates in June to go see my brother in New York.  Right around when I hit the button to finalize the purchase last week, it hit me.  I am so abundantly blessed.  

And not just by air travel, which I actually enjoy less and less every year (though my love of the people on the other side of flights keeps me at it), but by many many blessings that factor in and make the travel possible.  I started reflecting on the myriad of gifts that I have been given and am trying to spend time just appreciating them and recognizing them.  

I have a great job, which I enjoy and which allows me to openly serve and teach about God.  I have friends and family in many places who welcome me with open arms whenever I have opportunities to visit.  I get to live in a beautiful foreign country where the cost of living is low enough that I can afford luxuries like travel.  I work in an industry where I have extended time off every year to back to the States- I don't think I could do life here otherwise.  I have good friends here to travel with.  I have several "shorter" times off during the year to explore this part of the world.  I have family members who spend considerable time each summer shuttling me to and from the airport.  I have friends here who are like family. My sister sends me daily photos and videos of my nephew. 

Okay, that last one has nothing to do with my travel, but it's a pretty great blessing all the same.  It's always easy for me to look at life as half empty- rest assured life here is just daily life and carries all of the usual ups and downs of life on planet earth.  I complain about my aching back (which has been particularly bad lately since I haven't been working out and thus stretching enough) and other minor ailments, even though I'm generally healthy. I sigh and keep walking right past the dirty dishes in the sink, too tired to care.  I get lonely living here on my own, even in the midst of much coveted down time. I worry about the future and the when and what next- when the ink isn't even dry on my newest contract yet.  I look at daily life and see absent friends who have moved on to other adventures, instead of seeing the faces of the newer friends who have walked into my life this year, who I want to get to know more.  

Truth is, life isn't half empty, nor even just barely full. My cup runneth over.  But not because it's perfect or never stressful or lonely or any of those other things I often focus on.  God has been incredibly gracious in many tangible gifts, but also in the gift of himself.  While I certainly enjoy the many ways that God has blessed me recently, I am even more grateful for ways he has grown my knowledge and understanding of him. This season of lent was particularly beneficial in seeing areas of sin that needed to be dealt with and ways that I had not fully been acknowledging or accepting his grace, not really believing and living that la vida eterna starts now.  The other blessings might not feel so "blessed" without that bit.  So yeah, even in the midst of many normal every day struggles of life, I can see that I do live a great life and serve a great God. And for that, I am so very thankful. 

Dwell in the shelter of the Most High: On tantrums and trust

It's been quite a while since I have blogged on here, or at least blogged in the real sense instead of just updates and travel bits.  The last six months have had lots of ups and downs and lots of learning, much of it not over.  Sometimes I feel like my inner life is going through so much that I can't make sense of it to write about it.  How do I make sense of lives all around me seeming to shout, this is not how it is supposed to be? So often I am like a small child, petulant in my temper tantrums, demanding my way and demanding it now.  I always feel like in order to blog I need some great answer to the problems, some great revelation that is going to help all of us draw closer to God.

But the truth is, the last 6 months have not brought any startling revelations.  They've brought tears and moments I am not proud of, plenty of times where essentially I have sprawled on the floor like a writhing screaming toddler, mad at God and wondering how in the world it would all ever end.  Wondering if we will ever see an end to the sting of death, the ravages of sin, the loneliness of a broken world. 

In the midst of it, I don't really want people to help me cope, not even God.  I want Him/them to make the situation right, to make the problem go away, or at the very least, to allow me to quit.  This may come as a bit of a surprise, but I seem to have a knack for quitting.  They say that when the going gets tough, the tough get going, and Clare takes a nap. Perseverance is not my strong suit.  If perseverance produces character, I'll pass on the character bit thanks.

This morning I read Psalm 91, which opens with, "Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty" and goes on to say some pretty awesome things.  It's one of my favorite psalms.  But all day I've been stuck on the first verse.  And particularly on the second word: dwell.  I had coffee this week with a friend who is preparing for the transition back to life in the US and we talked about this word, dwell.  For me, dwelling in Thailand means buying things that won't fit in a suitcase, or plants that give a sense of permanence.  But dwelling in the shelter of the Most High? 

The devotional I read right after the psalm was about trust.  About how we only sort of want to trust God-we trust him for some things (like today or eternity) but not others (like tomorrow and practical things).  I think to an extent we know that trusting him does not mean that we're going to win the tantrum and get what we want.  Trusting him doesn't buy us control over our lives.  But I think dwelling in his shelter and trusting him can look awfully similar.  It's not any great revelation, and I'm not even exactly sure how it looks played out in everyday lives, but it does help me know that that abiding and rest are possible. 

I still want my way, of course, but it helps put into perspective an idea that I read about a few months ago, living for God's Big Kingdom and its purposes instead of our own little kingdoms with all the little things we're trying to control.  Trusting God's purposes for our own lives, but also for the lives of those we love.  So I try to release the fist, so tightly closed around the things I want to control, and I realize just how tired that fist is.  It's exhausting, and so much easier to let go.  I don't think I'm going to be very good at it, but I need to try. I need to work on figuring out how to trust, how to dwell in the shelter of the Most High, because I do know this: there is no safer place for me to be.

Resettling

I've been back in Bangkok for about eight days now- five days of freedom and then back at work for the last three. It's always an adjustment coming back, and the first week is the worst of it. When you live in another country, you always keep your big toe back at home- a small connection and a vague of awareness of what is going on. But that first week of transition it's not a big toe, it's your whole foot still in that world, and it takes time to pick up the rhythm of the new place again.

But the last few days have been good in several ways. First, I've been able to connect with friends in real and meaningful ways that remind me that even if my family is far away I do have friends and people here who love, care, listen, share, laugh, and invest. Second, I get a chance to remember why I am here and why I believe in the mission and vision and philosophy if my school. We are able to pray as a staff for our school, our students, and the year ahead. I get to remember that this thing I do, teaching, I love it for all it sucks out of me, and I'm good at it. 

There are still things to figure out of course, and I have my goals and things I want to work on this semester, but it's a good start and a good place to be. Now if someone could just get this Tigers game online to stop pausing and freezing and restarting we'd be all set! 

Here and Now: thoughts on today and tomorrow

One aspect of life at an international school, Christian or otherwise, is the constant question/obsession of the future- how long you will stay, what you will do next, what you want to do/dream to do/feel called to do with "the rest of your life" (The rest of my life? I can't even decide what I want for breakfast).  Not being a big picture person, I am not a fan of this aspect of life here, and I think even for those who are more big picture oriented it can be quite distracting. Yes, the future is important to think about, and certainly having goals and dreams is not a bad thing. But when we become so concerned with tomorrow that we miss today, it can be a problem. 

And I don't want to miss out on today.  Because today my students are using data to investigate 'the mysterious disappearance of a Mr. Gerald Orkney' or today I am holding a precious four month old who is growing like a weed or today I am talking with a friend who will live thousands of miles away in just a few months time or today I am watching a child smile and play rugby even while their tomorrows remain uncertain.  We only get to hold on to today once.

When Jesus called his disciples to follow him, he didn't lay out a master plan and he didn't tell them where they'd be in 10 years- if he had, would they have followed?  Jesus didn't ask them to pray a 'sinner's prayer' before coming along and they didn't ask him if they could chat it over with their families before they committed.  Jesus asked them to follow him, and they did.  They didn't have to clean their lives up first, and then follow.  They followed, and then Jesus cleaned their lives up.

Today Jesus asks me to follow him.  Today he asks you the same thing. Some of us, he leads to Thailand.  Others he leads within the context in which they already live.  Everyday Jesus asks us to follow, and everyday we have a choice. Here and now.  For me, that following has brought me to Thailand, where I live until he leads me elsewhere.  But it is so much more than that.  Following Jesus takes all our heart, all our soul, all our mind.  Yesterday for me, following him meant an awesome day supporting a rugby tournament- watching our Nak Suu kids get a chance to play, helping with selling beer coupons (for the mens teams, haha, not the Nak Suu kids), and whatever else I could do that was helpful.  Today following him means rest for my heart, for my spirit, for my body, serving with the usher team at church, and dinner with a friend.  Tomorrow, it will likely mean teaching with patience, joy, and grace.  15 years from now?  Who knows what that following will look like. But I do know one thing.

I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back, no turning back.  

"While you're young and single"

I always half-chuckle and half-seethe when people tell me that it's so nice that I can teach overseas while I am young and single.  I laugh because with nearly 9 years of teaching experience under my belt, I am not near as young as I appear or as people assume.  I scoff because their comment quietly infers that at some point I will, of course, return and get married like a good girl.  I shrug my shoulders knowing that most of them will never understand that I am not here because I am young and single. 

And I know, people mean well. But I do question some of the assumptions under their words.  I think people would be surprised to find out what percent of my colleagues are "old", or married, or heaven forbid- both.

I did not come here because I need to stretch my wings, because I am young and rootless. If anything, the opposite is true.  I am not right out of college. I am tired of moving and ready for consistency in my life.  I am very strongly rooted in an amazing family in SE Michigan.  I did not come here because I am single.  Yes, being single in this context does have some advantages (It's easier to pick up and move when only one job is needed, not two), but it also carries very strong disadvantages (If all your friends were to decide not to come back all at the same time, at least your best friend isn't going anywhere without you).

I may have landed in international Christian education by happenstance (or perhaps better put: God-stance) over 5 years ago, but I made a clear decision 2 years ago that international Christian ed was my career choice/calling.  It doesn't always fit my personality.  I like things to be decidedly fixed and certain and I live in a community where the only constant is the constant change.  I like living within my comfort zone and I am continually placed in situations that stretch me beyond what I would like them to.

But God has also been incredibly gracious in that.  I am learning, slowly, to deal better with the inevitable unpredictability of life.  One of my friends put it quite well last week when she said, "Clare, you are the most flexible rigid person I know!".  God has dealt graciously with me by allowing me to discover (over the past 5 years) that I love travel and I love languages and I love cultures and history.  And he has given me a career calling where I am able to enjoy and explore all of those things- even when they pull me out of my comfort zone! 

I don't know what all that means for my future.  I don't know how long God will call me to this work- neither in general nor at ICS specifically.  But I do know that for now, this is where he has placed me, so for now, this is where I will stay.  I'm thinking of buying a white painting canvas actually, and hanging it on my bedroom wall, blank and white, as a reminder to let the canvas of my life be open before God, to take the light he has given me for this step I am on and to trust in that.  Even if I am less-young and more-single than I always care to be.