Intertwined: joy and sorrow

I have written before about the intersection of sorrow and joy; this isn't new to me. But a picture says a thousand words, so here is my picture of sorrow in the midst of joy and joy in the midst of sorrow.

This is me, hanging out with the love of my life, my nephew Elliot James. To sit on the deck behind my Grampa's house on a perfect October afternoon and laugh and giggle with Elliot was such a joyous gift. But we gathered there that afternoon to celebrate my Grampa's life, after a long and tearful day at his funeral and burial. It was with a very heavy heart that I traveled to Michigan in early October, compelled by my love for this great man, and by his love for me. 

Even as I'd sat in the church that morning, filled with sadness and pain, there was also joy. Joy that at long last, he was back with my Gramma, that for him there is no more tears or sadness or pain. Joy that he was a man who loved God and walked faithfully with God for many years, that he fought the good fight, that he kept the faith and finished the race. And man, what a race he ran. 

I am thankful. Thankful for the chance to travel back briefly and be with my family. Thankful for the gift of an amazing grandfather, and the gift of having him in my life for nearly 35 years. Thankful for Elliot snuggling in for a nap, and for those precious extra days with him. Thankful for a family that loves and cares for one another. Thankful for many friends and coworkers in Bangkok who made my absence possible. Thankful for being there, something I have learned to never take for granted. Thankful that in the midst of sorrow there is always joy, and that the sorrow in fact teaches us what it is to feel joy. 

With Grampa on my trip to Long Lake in September 2013. 

All You Need is Love

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday about living a gospel in Thailand that teaches grace and love to a culture whose majority religion is so deeply rooted in works- in earning ones salvation. And then this morning I read Ephesians 3, and if I could sum up verses 14 to 19 it would say something like

If only you knew! If only you grasped! If only you understood- 

   The depths of God's love for you, and 

   The strength of his power within you.

Truth is, I don't think we have a clue. If we did, how different the world would be. How differently I'd respond to students or stress or inefficiency or even myself if I responded out of a place of love instead of a place of fear or insecurity. 

Have you ever watched a child who truly knows that they are safe and loved in their parents presence? Such freedom and trust!  I was at my friend's house the other day and her nearly-two-year-olds were playing a game jumping off the couch into their Daddy's arms. They leapt off the edge with complete abandon. (Never mind the moment when one didn't notice Daddy was already catching the other and she just walked right off the edge with a plop on the floor, stunned but no worse for the wear). 

I want to be more like them in my spiritual life.  I want to be rooted and established in that love. I want to be filled with the love that surpasses understanding. I want to know that He who does immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine is on my side. I want to fully get it, grasp it, know it. And then I want to live it in a world around me that still stumbles through the darkness of works, that they too may know the freedom and joy that is found only in grace. I want them to know the Beatles were right. All you need is Love. 

Wedding day!

I must confess, I have quite a back log of blogging, but only because I've been too busy having fun to stop and write about it. It's a good problem to have. My sister's wedding weekend was awesome. We kicked off the family fun Thursday night with a birthday dinner for my dad and brother before Friday's rehearsal and the big day in Saturday. I had great fun being her personal assistant, I mean, maid of honor. For those three days we were practically attached at the hip. She was an amazing bride- calm, organized beyond belief, and totally stunning. The entire evening was a huge success and a ton of fun, especially once I got past my toast and could start to relax. I didn't take any pictures, but my sister in law did, so here are a few of hers. 

At the rehearsal dinner

At the church, waiting for the show to start! 

 

Our bouquets

 

 

 

Delivering my toast 

At the end of the night, we hugged and she said, "Thanks, I couldn't have done this without you." And at first I responded, "Anytime."  But then it was like, wait, no, "Anytime, but never again!" 

Love: my sister's wedding week

My sister is getting married in Saturday, and since she's marrying a great guy, there can be no greater joy for an older sister. Completely coincidentally, I am also reading 1 John, which talks a great deal about love. And I've been thinking a lot lately about God's love for us, a perfect love, a fear-banishing love, an unchanging love that loved us first.

Sometimes I get in these "if only" modes where I find myself constantly looking ahead- to the next big event or next big trip, to the end of a semester or the start of a new one. Somehow I start thinking that if I can only get there, than everything will be fine. But the truth is, things 'over there' are pretty much the same as they are right here. My fears and insecurities follow me from one country to the next. Sure, vacations can be a nice time to step out of some of the day to day stresses of life, but they come and go, and I am right back where I started.

This week I have been struck by the call in 1 John to love those around me. This time is really not about all the things I need to do to get ready for the wedding. It's not about finding a great dress for the rehearsal or writing the best toast or not forgetting anything when I pack. This week is about loving through service, about being available to do whatever needs to be done to keep my sister sane and the wedding train on time. It's really just about loving her and her fiancé and then sitting back and enjoying being here for the moment.

Our choice to love others fills us more deeply and intimately with God, allows us the peace that passes understanding and the grace to step through the stress. Without that love, I am nothing. Without loving others, I don't love God, and without loving God all is empty.

So I pack up my stuff and joyously lay down everything I am carrying, so that I can walk this time with my precious sister. I certainly have not always been much of a sister to her, but I am so excited to be there this weekend and stand beside her as she makes this commitment of love. She's going to knock your socks off, this sister of mine, and I can't wait to see it!

Rejoicing and Mourning

It's been raining a bit lately. It's not supposed to, but it has.  Tonight it means that the glorious orange sky outside my window is decorated with wasps of gray cloud lined in purple and yellow and red.  The wet morning was a small price to pay. 

Last night I received news from a friend about an event that we have been praying for for 3 years.  From a continent away I was able to rejoice with her and celebrate this new development in her life, wanting to reach through the computer to hug her. It wasn't a likely scenario, and it would have been easy to give up hope.  But she didn't. 

A short while ago I also received devastating news from another friend. The kind of news that punches you in the gut and leaves you heartbroken and speechless.  From half way around the world, I want to fix it. But I cannot. 

Somehow, in each one- the sunset, the miracle, the tragedy- God is there.  Watching with us, smiling with us, weeping with us.  Darkness falls on a Bangkok sky and I know He is with me, even when I don't understand and can't explain and feel so very far from it all. 


Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15

Perfect love drives out fear

I've been thinking a lot about this verse the past few days, that perfect love drives out fear, about how mostly I allow myself to be driven by fear instead.  We fear the unknown. We fear that which we cannot control.  We fear the court of public opinion.

The ICS staff spent Friday and Saturday on retreat at a beach side resort a few hours from Bangkok.  It was a nice opportunity to not only spend time with friends, but to also talk to colleagues whom I normally don't interact with very much.  A common theme was the fear of judgment.  Not real judgment, not the day of judgment when Christ returns to "judge the quick and the dead," but rather the judgment of everyone around us.  If it weren't so sad, it would be rather amusing how many times this came up in conversation in those two days.  The more liberal among us worried about being judged for the ways they choose to live their lives.  The more conservative among us worried about being judged for choosing not to do certain things, for the choices they make in how they choose to live their lives.  Everyone running around fearfully hiding their true selves out of fear of the judgment of others.  And sadly, for fairly good reason.  Because behind most comments about others judging us are our judgments of them for judging us.  We fear their judgments and know they're judging us because, let's face it, we're judging them. Is anyone else as confused by this as I am?

Being overly critical and judgmental is something I have struggled with all of my life but I don't know that I've experienced it as much on a community wide scale before.

I was chatting with a friend recently about how social media like facebook, twitter, pintrest, and blogs make this all the worse. They give us so many more platforms to a) present only our best sides so as not to be judged for our flaws and b) judge everyone else.  Even with this blog, I struggle. How do I speak honestly and truthfully about life here in a way that is neither holier-than-thou or self-condemning or makes people think I'm as lost as perhaps I really am.

Though I would not normally characterize myself as a fearful person, these past few days have brought many of my fears front and center, forcing me to take a closer look at them.  Fears of judgment for my linguistic abilities.  Fear that I will never truly learn Thai.  Fear that I will never quite fit in with this ICS community.  Fear that people (both here and back home) will accept me as I am even though we are so different.  Fear that there is some big thing in life, something everyone else has figured out, kind of like the punchline to an inside joke, that everyone else gets and I just do not get.  Fear that crops up when people ask me how long I plan to stay in Thailand and the answer is I simply don't know. The ever-present enormous fear among singles here that the rather small pool of single Christian men in Bangkok will leave them single. Forever. Fear about my inadequacies as a teacher.  The list goes on. 

And I keep coming back to, keep hearing, perfect love drives out fear. What if I, what if we, let His perfect love drive out our fears, instead of letting our fears drive us?  What if I could fully know the depth and height and greatness of this love to the degree that it would drive out these fears of mine and allow me to live a full life, a transparent and real and honest life that does not hide behind the masks of fear?  May I, may you, may each of us know more and more each day of this love beyond comprehension, this perfect love that drives out fear. 

Love flow down

I heard a quote a few weeks ago, I think at church, that has just been churning around in my head ever since.  We can never do anything to make God love us more than he already does.  At first, it just seems like yeah yeah yeah, I heard that before, and I get it. But on closer examination I am starting to see just how much of my life revolves around trying to earn grace, trying to earn love.  And when I can stop trying to earn it, trying to make God love me more, I have the freedom to do so many other things.  When my energy is not all going towards trying to impress God, I have more energy to live the abundant life he has given me.  I can spend time with friends and give real time to them.  I can workout. I can teach and tutor and put more into my job.  I can teach English.  I can watch Downton Abbey and lose myself in a good story and strong characters.  I can go grocery shopping.  I can cook.  I can even mingle. With people I don't know. On a weekly basis.  Without thinking, shoot me now, the entire time. 
As I am better able to comprehend the depth that I am loved, I am better able to love others.  To relax (my family has been trying to get me to do this one for years).  To give.  To extend grace.  To let God be God and just rest in him and in the knowledge that nothing I do today, or tomorrow, is going to change the depths of the riches of his glorious love for me.

Too often I hear truth and I don't really let it settle and resonate deeply.  But this one I can't get out of my head.

God's love for me does not depend on how clean my apartment it. Or how well decorated it is.  It does not depend on the number of friends I have or the quality of friendships.  It has little to do with how I teach or what I teach or even if I teach.  His love is not going to increase if I'm more involved at church or if I always remember people's birthdays.  It won't deepen because I wake up early to pray or lessen when I am unable to do so.  His love won't diminish if I buy veggies and don't get around to eating them and they rot in the fridge. I can't earn it by what I write or say or do.  It is not inversely proportional to the size of the inner tube that is developing around my belly.  His love doesn't change based on marital status or social status or facebook status.  His love is already at the fullest possible measure.  His grace is already offered.  He is already my God.

I hope this truth can settle even more deeply into my heart in the days to come, that it continues to turn and tumble through my mind until it takes root.