The hardest word to learn

This year I am focusing on language learning in two ways. First, I want to study Thai regularly, in a one on one setting, like I did my first year. It's a priority in my schedule and I have a lead or two on teachers who might be willing and able to help me. But I am also going to work on practicing the hardest word to learn in any language: no. 

I'm crap at saying no, and am highly susceptible to guilt trips, which means I frequently end up with too much on my plate. I run around doing things that I don't want to do or feel called to do, not leaving any time for the things that I love to do or the things that feed my soul. So this year I am working on it, no, nein, ไม่ใช่. And even when pressured, I am working on not feeling guilty, and definitely not giving in! I hope to use this newfound freedom to exercise more, cook more, and feel less exhausted so I can spend more time with people, building the relationships that make living here doable. It remains to be seen how successful I am, but so far I'm doing great at saying no, quitting the commitments I need to, and listening for God's call to determine what I do. 

More or Less

While Up North this summer I wandered into a bookstore and stumbled into a book titled More or Less, which deals with the question, What is enough? And, how much is enough? It was a book about generosity and generous living, about what we do with the bit we have that is more than enough, the excess. It reminded me a lot of a verse I read earlier this summer that really struck me: The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out- but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity (1 John 2:17).

One advantage of living overseas, that I have stated before, is that each summer I have the chance to completely step away from my regular life, my day to day life, which gives me a unique perspective and chance to evaluate how I live. This book gave me lots of think about in that regard, without being judgmental or condescending. It has caused me to look again at the words need and want and how I confuse them in my life. It has caused me to look at my wardrobe and wonder just how many shirts and shoes a person can actually wear. It has caused me to look at how I spend my time, and who I am spending it on- myself or others. 

Our More, our Excess, does not always come in physical material ways. It also comes in time or connections or opportunities. And while I have certainly thought before about how I can be generous with my time, I had never before considered how I can be generous with my connections or opportunities.  I have long craved a simpler life (I am sure in no part because I somehow think it will also be less stressful) and this book encouraged me to do so in ways that would not just be for the goal of simplicity, but generosity.  

And it's not all about downsizing, which I like. For example, it might be a 'simpler life' if I moved back into my studio apartment and didn't keep a guest room (where in addition to guests I also store a lot of stuff). But if I moved, I would also lose a lot of opportunities for generosity and hospitality. It's not about how big your house is, it's about what you do with the space you have. 

Anyway, it's a good book and quick read and I highly recommend it. I am excited to get back into life and clean out my closet and make dinner for people and live more intentionally in many areas. 

Here and Now: thoughts on today and tomorrow

One aspect of life at an international school, Christian or otherwise, is the constant question/obsession of the future- how long you will stay, what you will do next, what you want to do/dream to do/feel called to do with "the rest of your life" (The rest of my life? I can't even decide what I want for breakfast).  Not being a big picture person, I am not a fan of this aspect of life here, and I think even for those who are more big picture oriented it can be quite distracting. Yes, the future is important to think about, and certainly having goals and dreams is not a bad thing. But when we become so concerned with tomorrow that we miss today, it can be a problem. 

And I don't want to miss out on today.  Because today my students are using data to investigate 'the mysterious disappearance of a Mr. Gerald Orkney' or today I am holding a precious four month old who is growing like a weed or today I am talking with a friend who will live thousands of miles away in just a few months time or today I am watching a child smile and play rugby even while their tomorrows remain uncertain.  We only get to hold on to today once.

When Jesus called his disciples to follow him, he didn't lay out a master plan and he didn't tell them where they'd be in 10 years- if he had, would they have followed?  Jesus didn't ask them to pray a 'sinner's prayer' before coming along and they didn't ask him if they could chat it over with their families before they committed.  Jesus asked them to follow him, and they did.  They didn't have to clean their lives up first, and then follow.  They followed, and then Jesus cleaned their lives up.

Today Jesus asks me to follow him.  Today he asks you the same thing. Some of us, he leads to Thailand.  Others he leads within the context in which they already live.  Everyday Jesus asks us to follow, and everyday we have a choice. Here and now.  For me, that following has brought me to Thailand, where I live until he leads me elsewhere.  But it is so much more than that.  Following Jesus takes all our heart, all our soul, all our mind.  Yesterday for me, following him meant an awesome day supporting a rugby tournament- watching our Nak Suu kids get a chance to play, helping with selling beer coupons (for the mens teams, haha, not the Nak Suu kids), and whatever else I could do that was helpful.  Today following him means rest for my heart, for my spirit, for my body, serving with the usher team at church, and dinner with a friend.  Tomorrow, it will likely mean teaching with patience, joy, and grace.  15 years from now?  Who knows what that following will look like. But I do know one thing.

I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back, no turning back.  

Creating spaces

Lots of laughter: perfect way to spend an afternoon.

I slept in until 10 am today and rose eventually to have a leisurely breakfast here at "home" and then drink a pot of tea while I spent some time with God.  I had a quiet afternoon visiting with a former student who long ago captured a very special place in my heart.  As we talked and caught up he would periodically throw his head back in fully body laughter, at a story or a memory or one of the Thai words I was telling him.  As I mentioned in a previous post, summer break is a time for me every year to step out of my day to day life, a time to reflect and reexamine, looking at both my teaching and my living.

And today, as I sipped my tea, smiled at the joy before me, and then had an evening snooze on the sofa, I realized that I haven't been giving myself enough space in my life.  Space for pots of tea.  Space for solitude.  Space for head throwing laughter.  And as a result, I haven't given myself enough space for exercise or naps or prayer or healthy food or spontaneous conversation with friends.  In the transition and stress, the scramble to feel settled and be settled, I filled many spaces with many good things, and wore myself out in the process.

So this year I want to be more intentional to leave those spaces.  To not fear my own company.  To turn off the music when I jog and let my mind wander.  To cook.  To invest in pots of tea with friends.  To worry less about how much Thai I'm learning.  To say no more often.  To spend time at the foot of the cross and listen to the voice of love that gently whispers my name.

It's easy to do that, of course, when one is on vacation.  And it's easy to set those goals.  What will be difficult is to both be intentional about doing those things, and also be intentional about forgiving myself when I'm not able to do all those things. I'm just the sort of person that says, "I'm going to cut back and balance my life by doing a, b, and c, and then striving for such perfection in accomplishing a, b, and c on my timetable that I wear myself out.  Instead of taking a half hour to pray or rest, I'll spend a half hour journaling about how I didn't give myself enough time to pray or rest.

So perhaps my biggest goal, in creating these spaces in my life this year, is to be kind to myself when I fail to create the spaces.  To say yes, there are all these improvements I want to make in my life and my teaching, but I am, in all likelyhood going to fail to make them all. And that's okay.

Year In Review

2011 was a year of change and transition.  But then again, so was 2010.  I am hoping that 2012 is a bit calmer, at least in terms of major location and employment changes!  I was thinking about it yesterday though, and realized that in the past 10 years I have lived in 7 cities on 4 continents.  10 years ago today I'd been to Mexico once for a week and to Canada many times, but that was it :) 

NYE last year found me in Nashville, ringing in the new year with friends from my time in Argentina.  January found me in the midst of a long term job teaching 7th grade science. In February, my job offer came in from ICS and I decided to move to Thailand.  In March I enjoyed a week with my cousins while their parents were away over our spring break, and a visit from friends in Pennsylvania.  I also started another long term job that would go through the end of April and really challenge my management skills.  April took me to the Philadelphia area to stay with another cousin and see Philly for the first time.  I apparently didn't do much in May :)  In June I spent a lovely week at Long Lake before teaching summer school.  July was a quick month of organizing and packing and good-byes.  I left for Bangkok on the 19th.  August brought the first days of school and a quick learning curve of daily life, learning how to get around my neighborhood.  September was a month of developing friendships and beginning to form routines in my new home.  While October started smoothly enough, news of great floods soon reached Bangkok, and then the floods themselves, sending the city into a panic and causing our school to close.  I was lucky enough to end the month nestled on the beach of a quiet island in the Gulf of Thailand.  With school still closed in early November, I headed to Burma for 5 days, returning to tentatively restart "normal life" once the threat of the floods passed, leaving our neighborhood and district dry.  December has been a whirl of parties and celebrations, first in Bangkok and then in Michigan, and has ended with a flurry of family and friends, and hardly a flurry in sight. 

My goals for 2012 are simple.  Learn more Thai.  Live in the present moment.  Trust the inner voice of Love. 

Happy New Year, dear readers! 

An excess of stuff

I am not working today. I'm not sick, I simply canceled my sub jobs for the day and stayed home. It was lovely, and I was actually very productive. One thing I did today was go through boxes in the basement that I packed up 3 1/2 years ago when I went to Argentina. It really is amazing to me how much stuff I have down there. I managed to throw away quite a bit of stuff and consolidate some of what was left and eliminated two or three boxes, but there is still quite a bit there. The thing is, there is nothing really to do with most of it, and I can't quite bring myself to throw it away. What do you do, for example, with a box of grad school textbooks (that for the most part I didn't even read when I was in the class). They're 4-5 years old- too old to sell I would imagine. But to just throw out a box of mint condition books? I feel bad even donating them- who would want to read them?? I also have a couple of binders that are in great condition, amongst other things. I still have loads of teaching stuff- bins and stacking trays and classroom games and math manipulatives that I don't see myself flying to distant lands, but am not quite sure what to do with. I've also got a fair amount of household stuff- small kitchen appliances or placemats or utensils. And don't even start on the old photo albums or boxes of neatly organized pictures. Or the framed pictures. I found at least a dozen from various stages of life.

There are the practical questions- what am I going to do with all this stuff (other than leave it in the basement... for now) but it also makes me realize that I seriously do not need or want any more stuff! I hate throwing things away, not so much because I am going to miss it, but because I hate all that stuff going to the landfills. But beyond clothes, I'm not really sure I can donate too much of it. Which brings me back to- how can I stop acquiring stuff? Obviously, part of that answer is easy: stop buying it! Substitute teaching has helped cure me of a lot of my shopping habits. But there is more to it than that. I want a simpler lifestyle- more time, attention, and money on the things that matter (people), and less on the things that don't (stuff). Without just pitching a great deal of things (yes, Clare, even the sentimental ones) I'm not sure how to really pare down.

Maybe in another few weeks I'll have the motivation to go through the basement stuff again and purge some more, find somewhere that will accept non-clothing donations. I've done a few stages of it over the past few months and slowly but surely, the pile is shrinking. And if I can just keep from adding to it...

Predictions

Yesterday my extended family opened and read 10 year predictions we had made in early 2000 (we were a year late in getting to them). Writing long-range predictions can be fun, but it's a bit dangerous too. This was the second time (at least to my knowledge) that the family has done something like this, and the second time that one of the participants passed away during that decade. We all missed Gramma as we heard her predictions read, but I at least found it more comforting than devastating. Her voice was clear in what she had written- a reminder of her hopes, dreams, and vision for her family.

Some of the things we said were funny- my cousin, 15 at the time- thought that we'd be able to buy whatever we wanted online and then simply pull it out of the computer:) I predicted that just about every older cousin would leave SE Michigan, except for myself! Some predictions were quite accurate- personal phone numbers, for example, while others were way off- the DOW at 60,000?

The whole process got me thinking- the what will happen of the next 10 years is not nearly as important as who we will become. I don't know where I will be in 10 years, or what I will be doing, or what the state of the country or the world will be. But I do hope, that no matter what the circumstances, we are each more like Jesus than we are today. As Peter reminds us in 1 Peter, we are all strangers and exiles in this land, we live for an existence and a glory that cannot be comprehended on this present earth.

Next month, for Chinese New Year, we'll gather and write new 10 year predictions. I don't know what is going to happen externally in my life, but I pray that whatever it is, it makes and molds me into the woman of God that he wants me to be, that in 10 years I am more patient, more kind, more loving, more gentle, more faithful, more worshipful than I am today.