Something More

I've been watching a fair amount of "The West Wing" lately and have been finding myself drawn to something in the characters that I couldn't quite put my finger on at first. How could a television show make a job working 18 hours a day in politics and public policy look appealing? How could they manage to make it look fun? And then I realized what it was about these characters' lives that was appealing: they are working, giving all they have, for a cause that they believe in, a cause that one of them describes as "the real deal".

It made me realize what is so appealing about serving as a missionary teacher in Thailand- that I'll be a part of a team, working together, striving together for a cause we believe in, something more than a cause in fact, but the real deal. One of the things I loved about teaching at BAICA was the sense of family among the staff. Were staff relationships perfect? No- de ninguna manera. But, there was a sense there that I don't get in any other school or job, a sense that we are striving together for something that is worth something. And I am looking forward to that sense of community and family and purpose in Thailand.

In "The West Wing", they are not, obviously, working for what is true and lasting, no matter how noble the effort is. How much greater is it when the cause and ideal that we are putting our time into is the very one that lasts forever.

To be bored, therefore, does not mean that we have nothing to do, but that we question the value of the things we are so busy doing. The great paradox of our time is that many of us are busy and bored at the same time. While running from one event to the next, we wonder in our innermost selves if anything is really happening. While we can hardly keep up with our many tasks and obligations, we are not so sure that it would make any difference if we did nothing at all. While people keep pushing us in all directions, we doubt if anyone really cares. In short, while our lives are full, we feel unfulfilled... Henry Nouwen

Still winter

According to Michiganders, it is "warming up" outside. But when I look outside, all I see is a Buenos Aires winter. It's 40F, maybe, and raining. Now, I'm not saying that it's not better than the single digit temps we were having, I'm just saying that in my book it's still winter. And boo on winter. Plus, they're predicting snow this week, so let's not get carried away.

Tomorrow I should be starting my next long term sub job teaching math. It will be at the same middle school as the last job, and I'm really glad about that. I was there yesterday, in for someone else, and got to sit and eat lunch with people I actually knew, who know me and include me in the conversation. As a sub, this is big, and makes such a difference in my day.

I'm continuing my Thai classes once per week and actually feel like I can say a few things now. My processing time is really slow so I don't think I'd be able to say much in real life, but I'm making progress at least. Yesterday I learned how to tell time. They don't use the 12 hour clock or the 24 hour clock in Thailand. They have a special system, which luckily has a few spots that utilize the 12 hour clock and has a few other patterns imbedded in them. What I've discovered is that if I can find I pattern, I can learn anything.

That's about all for life around here. One of these days spring will actually come!!

Words, palabras, kam

I love words. I think maybe on some level, I have always known this, but it has certainly become more apparent to me in recent days. I love language. I love reading and writing and speaking and listening. I love Spanish and the mystery of translation and communication. I love learning Thai and being able to utter even the most basic sentences. I love how words carry so much meaning, how they paint pictures, how they connect people, how they heal.

I've been reading through many of my favorite books in recent months, books that never make the trip overseas with me. My latest book is The Dance of Life by one of my all-time favorite authors, Henri Nouwen. I was introduced to Nouwen in college and was immediately struck by his depth of writing. The Dance of Life is a collection of many of his writings and my copy is entirely dog-earred, underlined, and starred- though one passage struck me this week as especially applicable for where I am today. I've written before of the inner struggle between joy and sadness, about leaving Argentina, about being here, about going to Thailand. Here, Nouwen writes about such complex emotions:

Our life is a short time in expectation, a time in which sadness and joy kiss each other at every moment. There is a quality of sadness that pervades all the moments of our life. It seems that there is no such thing as clear-cut pure joy but that, even in the most happy moments of our existence, we sense a twinge of sadness. In every satisfaction, there is an awareness of its limitations. In every success, there is the fear of jealousy. Behind every smile, there is a tear. In every embrace, there is loneliness. In every friendship, distance. And in all forms of light, there is knowledge of surrounding darkness.

Joy and sadness are as close to each other as the splendid colored leaves of a New England fall to the soberness of the barren trees. When you touch the hand of a returning friend, you already know that he will have to leave you again. When you are moved by the quiet vastness of a sun-covered ocean, you miss the friend who cannot see the same. Joy and sadness are born at the same time, both arising from such deep places in your heart that you can't find words to capture your complex emotions.

Here I am, send me!

I find myself in such a conflict of emotions these days, part of me is still so attached to my nearest and dearest in Buenos Aires, part of me is so enjoying these days with family and friends here in Michigan, and part of me is quite ready to take on the challenge of Bangkok. In the past week, as I have made my decision known, I have found myself frequently answering the questions of why I am leaving again, and why Bangkok. And I think in response to that I find myself only expressing the positive emotions associated with going. It would be easy to think that I have no fear or sadness as I prepare for this change. In many ways, I think I feel the need to defend my choice, and to express these doubts or fears would somehow say that perhaps I shouldn't go. To me, the fear and sadness are not reasons to stay, they are simply part of going.

I see God's hand so clearly, months before I even get to Thailand. It was quicker and easier than I ever expected to find someone to teach/tutor me in Thai before I go. My first craigslist post was up for less than an hour before I got a response, and when that person didn't work out, my second post was up less than 24 hours. I start class on Tuesday and am amazed at how God has provided that so conveniently.

But I see it even more so in my own heart. In a country where less than 1% of the population knows Jesus, the need and the harvest is plentiful. When God asks "Whom can I send? Who will go for us?" I enthusiastically cry out, "Here I am! Send me!". I am blessed to like living in and exploring other cultures and languages, despite the obvious drawbacks and challenges. I haven't always been that way, it is an interest that God has developed in me, no doubt in preparation for this work. My prayer is not that God would make me happy, but that he would be glorified in me, that I would be fully satisfied in him, and the two are intrinsically linked. As Bryan Chappell writes in his book Praying Backwards: Transform Your Prayer Life by Beginning In Jesus' Name, "We are never more satisfied than when we are content with his plan for our lives...In short, when we have no greater desire for Jesus to be glorified in us, he grants us the desires of our heart."

And the winner is...

I love it when you have a big decision to make that isn't really a decision at all in the end- the answer is just clear, obvious even. That is how it was for me this week as I accepted a job at the International Community School in Bangkok, Thailand for next year. In the end I had 3 schools to choose from and by the time I had heard back from all three a clear ranking had developed. I wasn't agonizing over where I was going to go- I knew exactly what to say when they asked me if I wanted the job. ICS is a K-12 Christian school with a student body of about 850. I'll be teaching MS math- 6th grade and Pre-Algebra, to be exact. And, I also get to teach an Intro to Spanish class:) In HS the students have to decide whether to take Spanish, French, or Chinese (in addition to the Thai they take every year) so the school wants to start giving them a taste for each language in MS to help them decide what they want to take later on. I am very excited to be able to use my Spanish in some way!

There isn't a whole lot else to tell right now- I'll be leaving sometime in mid-late July and make an initial commitment of 2 years. I'm hoping to find a way to start learning some basic Thai before I go, right now I don't even know how to say hello! Bangkok will be a challenge and a change , but one I am looking forward to. It's never easy to leave home, to say good-bye to family and friends here, to be so much farther away (esp in time zones) than friends in Argentina, but I feel confident that this is where God is calling me right now. He has been so faithful in this whole process. I've grown closer to him through each twist and turn in the journey to this point, and will certainly continue to do so on the journey ahead.

An excess of stuff

I am not working today. I'm not sick, I simply canceled my sub jobs for the day and stayed home. It was lovely, and I was actually very productive. One thing I did today was go through boxes in the basement that I packed up 3 1/2 years ago when I went to Argentina. It really is amazing to me how much stuff I have down there. I managed to throw away quite a bit of stuff and consolidate some of what was left and eliminated two or three boxes, but there is still quite a bit there. The thing is, there is nothing really to do with most of it, and I can't quite bring myself to throw it away. What do you do, for example, with a box of grad school textbooks (that for the most part I didn't even read when I was in the class). They're 4-5 years old- too old to sell I would imagine. But to just throw out a box of mint condition books? I feel bad even donating them- who would want to read them?? I also have a couple of binders that are in great condition, amongst other things. I still have loads of teaching stuff- bins and stacking trays and classroom games and math manipulatives that I don't see myself flying to distant lands, but am not quite sure what to do with. I've also got a fair amount of household stuff- small kitchen appliances or placemats or utensils. And don't even start on the old photo albums or boxes of neatly organized pictures. Or the framed pictures. I found at least a dozen from various stages of life.

There are the practical questions- what am I going to do with all this stuff (other than leave it in the basement... for now) but it also makes me realize that I seriously do not need or want any more stuff! I hate throwing things away, not so much because I am going to miss it, but because I hate all that stuff going to the landfills. But beyond clothes, I'm not really sure I can donate too much of it. Which brings me back to- how can I stop acquiring stuff? Obviously, part of that answer is easy: stop buying it! Substitute teaching has helped cure me of a lot of my shopping habits. But there is more to it than that. I want a simpler lifestyle- more time, attention, and money on the things that matter (people), and less on the things that don't (stuff). Without just pitching a great deal of things (yes, Clare, even the sentimental ones) I'm not sure how to really pare down.

Maybe in another few weeks I'll have the motivation to go through the basement stuff again and purge some more, find somewhere that will accept non-clothing donations. I've done a few stages of it over the past few months and slowly but surely, the pile is shrinking. And if I can just keep from adding to it...

Predictions

Yesterday my extended family opened and read 10 year predictions we had made in early 2000 (we were a year late in getting to them). Writing long-range predictions can be fun, but it's a bit dangerous too. This was the second time (at least to my knowledge) that the family has done something like this, and the second time that one of the participants passed away during that decade. We all missed Gramma as we heard her predictions read, but I at least found it more comforting than devastating. Her voice was clear in what she had written- a reminder of her hopes, dreams, and vision for her family.

Some of the things we said were funny- my cousin, 15 at the time- thought that we'd be able to buy whatever we wanted online and then simply pull it out of the computer:) I predicted that just about every older cousin would leave SE Michigan, except for myself! Some predictions were quite accurate- personal phone numbers, for example, while others were way off- the DOW at 60,000?

The whole process got me thinking- the what will happen of the next 10 years is not nearly as important as who we will become. I don't know where I will be in 10 years, or what I will be doing, or what the state of the country or the world will be. But I do hope, that no matter what the circumstances, we are each more like Jesus than we are today. As Peter reminds us in 1 Peter, we are all strangers and exiles in this land, we live for an existence and a glory that cannot be comprehended on this present earth.

Next month, for Chinese New Year, we'll gather and write new 10 year predictions. I don't know what is going to happen externally in my life, but I pray that whatever it is, it makes and molds me into the woman of God that he wants me to be, that in 10 years I am more patient, more kind, more loving, more gentle, more faithful, more worshipful than I am today.